Pull my head out of my ass... half-way there.

As I mentioned yesterday, I need to pull my head (brain) out of my ass.

The day was fairly calm, and I managed to do a couple of things that helped me feeling better.

1. Packed two apples, carrots, and peanut butter. I ate both apples (didn't have time for the carrots and peanut butter), and added a protienish bar that I found in the bottom of my backpack. That was much better than the nothing I usually eat.

2. I came home and cooked my dinner instead of eating cheese and high fiber cereal... or something else easy. I grilled chicken breasts and made a monster batch of steamed brussel sprouts (chopped up the chicken and tossed it with the brussel sprouts, it was sssoooo good).

3. Went to therapy (always do, but I have to give myself credit).

4. Didn't freak out about anything related to school.

5. took a shit (sorry)


And this is what I did to NOT get my head out of my ass...

1. No activity.

2. LEFT MY MUTHERFUCKING FIBER CAPSULES ON THE CORNER OF THE BED FOR Five MINUTES, AND THREE ARE GONE... ONLY EVIDENCE OF IT WAS A DOG WITH A TICKLE IN HER THROAT... Thankfully there are only about 1 gram of fiber per capsule... BUT WHAT DO THREE GRAMS OF STRAIGHT FIBER DO TO A DOG??

That is the day. I am comfortable watching T.V. and feeling like I did all that I could to make today better than yesterday. I am hopeful that the fiber supplements, brussel sprouts, two apples, and a decrease in the med that is causing the problems- hopefully this will help things out in the near future. I am not asking for miracles, just some normalcy.

I have a test on Thursday, a paper early next week, a math test on Monday, and a huge lab test a week from Thursday. I am being calm NOW, and hoping it will help me out over this next clusterfuck.

Thanks for the love, and thanks to those of you who stick around and route me on (even though I have become a rather UN-supportive blog buddy to you guys).


*start rant.

By the way... I cannot stand this dialogue of the "obesity epidemic"... It is so much more than just about "an obesity epidemic sweeping the nation" (thanks Biggest Loser 11/3/09). There are implications that involve biology, physiology, genetics, the environment, emotional/mental health, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc... Each person struggling with Obesity has a different situation that cannot be addressed by a single act of government oversight/legislation. I understand that obesity is a situation that all of us should address, but it is also a subjective judgement that can be biased by the portrayal of "health" as RAILFUCKINGTHIN. The reporting by the media of unsupported studies/facts/"news" creates a climate of panic (H1N1 anyone?). In the study of nutritional anthropology, and the changes human beings have gone through during different periods in history (anatomically/physiologically)- there is evidence that *some* of the body weight changes are out of our locus of control (not NOT to excuse behaviors that result in over consumption of calories), and also programmed into our genetic makeup (not a "set point", but how we respond to food/weight regulation on a more instinctual level). No one can tell YOU/US/THEM- how we are to address our very individual struggles with weight.

*end rant.

Basically Recovered. GAIN.

Eh! I have mostly recovered from my self-abuse this weekend. Whether it is because of my drinking binge, the food, or the fact that I am still having problems with being "regular" (or all three)... I have gained weight.

Last week I saw a drop on the scale, and now it is gone. My total loss for the month of October remains at three, and I am feeling kind of down about it. There are some changes that have to happen:

1. Get off the fucking medication that is making me NOT shit (sorry, TMI).

2. Find a way to introduce activity back into my schedule, like walking in the AM.

3. Pull my head out of my ass and take care of myself physically, including eating balanced, and often (like avoiding the pattern of not eating anything but 150 calories between the hours of 830AM and 730PM).

I have been so focused on keeping my grades at perfection that I am letting my health balance slip, and now the physical stuff is starting to mess with my grades (funny how that works) because I am feeling like crap.

Alright. With that in mind I am going to pack myself some substantial snacks for school, and go get ready. I am going to have to push myself extra hard to get the physical activity part in.

Repeating behaviors that haven't worked in the past-

Is never a good idea.

When I got done with my study group on Saturday afternoon I came home, and started the process of convincing (lying) myself that I could drink as much as I wanted to (denial) at the party, and that I would be okay to wake up at a decent hour today to study (more denial).

The results? I drank as much as a I wanted to, and then more after I got drunk and lost my control. I also "forgot" that I like to put down the tasty treats when I am past my limit. I also failed to remember that I have not really had a hard night of drinking since last year. This morning came early when we left at 2am (or 1pm) with the time change, and I dropped into bed with my head spinning (and after eating large quantities of salty death food, and ice cream). I slept like shit, and slept a little more later. I was sick and yucky all day, and didn't get to studying until 3pm.

So I have been a bit destructive in the last few days- in the wake of my huge therapy breakthrough that left me feeling empowered... and then something bothered me later in the week. The start of the roll downhill was with the pint of ice cream for dinner. The slip has stopped now, but I am not sure that the repercussions will not continue on for a couple of days.

I am not fretting over the food, or the general slip-up. What is bothering me is that I convinced myself into denial before I made the choices. Getting blownupdrunk is not how I need to care for myself while I am steeped in heavy learning. The brain does NOT function well after four beers, four shots, and a combination of about four large, hard alcohol themed drinks... if you know anything about alcohol you would puke if I went into details about what the specifics were of the types/flavors of what I drank. I am getting nauseous just typing it out.

If I want to reach my goals I will not repeat this kind of behavior in the future, and instead I will choose to be realistic and honest with myself before I make choices.

When Dinner is broccoli, and a pint of ice cream...

You know that something is going on.

And I am pretty tired, and a bit grumpy.

So I steamed some broccoli, made some chili, and a couple of stanky biscuits. I ate two biscuits, a large bowl of plain old steamed broccoli, AND A FUCKING PINT OF ICE CREAM. I ended up around 2600ish calories for the day, but I am not happy at how I am GOING to feel when my sugar crash half-kills me tonight. I have been keeping things in check as of late, but this was a sssllllliiiiip!

Anyway. I have a weekend of studying ahead of me, and a Halloween Party tomorrow night.

I have three tests next week.

I think I am really tired, and need a good night of sleep. Maybe I will be okay in the morning- shake this sleepy funk off!

I love my shrink, and myself!!

The hour of time I spent in therapy today was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! I think that every therapy session is pretty fantastic, but today was almost surreal. I made some connections between some of my sex issues-insecurities... when I left I swear that the colors of the day were brighter, and my vision clearer. It was not a super emotional session- it was just the continuation of the slow process of connecting the dots. I don't really have it summed up in my mind to express in words yet. I just really wanted to share. Hopefully I can make a clear mental image of what I came to learn today, so I can write about it.

Do to this I feel very empowered (more than usual)... but especially about my weight, and weight loss. I feel calmer than normal, and maybe even more purpose?? GOODFUCKINGSTUFF!!

I am going to go enjoy the rest of my night (like an hour)!!

Learning to trust me with myself (conversations).

There was a time when I was dependent on my parents for gauging my successes, failures, and life path. As soon as I was able to I started to rebel against their standards... The unfortunate thing was that they had never allowed me to dream. I wasn't able to decided what I wanted for myself, and my imagination had to stay in the "silly" category. This picture is right before I started to really fight them earnestly. My sister had been born, and I was considered the "prodigy" at this point. In swimming of course... This was right around sixth grade- I was already done growing at 69 inches. I was around 135 pounds, and every bite of food that I took inside my house was monitored because I was ranked 5th in the nation... Had to keep me "lean".

I have been talking to one of my dearest friends over the past week about the concept of trusting me with myself (and her with herself). It is an overwhelming theme in my adult life that I have decided to do something, and just not done it. I might have tried for a while- you know, how many "I will start this diet on Monday"?? The problem is that I have never followed through with one fucking thing! In the past year I have started putting this new practice into motion, but it is a constant battle. Yesterday morning I had ice cream as a side dish with my Raisin Bran for breakfast. Not a good start to the day, but I cannot do anything about it now.

Or can I? Can I trust myself to not do that again? Pretty much. Can I compromise next time and just have a bite, instead of a serving? Sure. Will I face this again? You bet.

I never learned as a child to trust myself. I was told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. There were very few opportunities for me to experiment (that would come later in very destructive forms), or choose. Yeah. Not too hard to trace back to why I didn't know how to do anything but rebel by the time I graduated from high school.

One interesting aspect of this (never ending) is that I was told by my parents that I was smart, but that I would never be a natural student, and that put me in the average category. They accepted the fact that I was weak in science and math, and was strong in the other areas, but that I would never be able to get those kinds of grades. They explained all of this to me, but expected my grades to be above average. With the 5-6 hours a day spent in the pool, I am not sure when they thought I had time to be a student, but that is for another post.

So I naturally quit swimming, and got extremely fat... but I also fucked up school pretty bad. I barely graduated, and failed out of college the first go around. Ever time I decided to do something I didn't. I believed that I was going to flail in my own bullshit for the rest of my life (and besides I couldn't stay awake), and that I was fucked.

Can I tell you what can happen in a year? Mistakes, triumphs, heartaches, joy, constipation, empowerment, learning, repeating past mistakes, enlightenment, tragedy, asskicking, mutherfuckingasskicking, and some other stuff. I have fucked up a whole bunch, in fact I did yesterday! I have come so far though, and I have learned that when I decide to do something- I CAN FUCKING DO IT. I CAN BE BRILLIANT! I CAN WEIGH LESS! I CAN COME TO PEACE WITH SOME OF MY CHILDHOOD! I CAN STAY AWAKE!

It just isn't how I thought it was going to be! I started the weight loss thinking it would be over in a year, like I would be under 200 by now. Not so much, but I am okay with my progress, and lack of- I thought that I would be able to do a lot of stuff in a very different way, but I know now that if I want to do something, and commit to it- I COMMIT TO FIGHTING IT ALL THE WAY UPHILL (BOTH WAYS), IN THE SNOW, WITHOUT GLOVES...

but that battle makes it so much sweeter in the end.

Lost weight, gained inches??

There is something fishy going on here... I have lost weight, but gained inches?

Am I still that bloated? Are you ever grossed out by my TMI?? Ha!

I think I may have lost another 3-4 pounds, but I am not going to make it official until Monday... I am up two inches in my waist, but down in weight?? I don't know...

Anyway. SHIT HAPPENED!! OVER AND OVER!! I LOVE TO POO!! TWO DAYS OF GLORIOUS POO!

Again with the TMI!

I am feeling determined today. With two days of poo-ing, and potential weight loss I am feeling good enough to cook a second pot of soup (lentil vegetable this time). There is NOTHING on earth that makes me feel better about eating than a soup with loads of veggies, and some kind of tasty bean... I am currently eating scrambled eggs, and green beans, but I cannot eat anymore because there seems to be some dirt clinging to the green beans (crunching on dirt makes me want to puke).

I have a ton of studying to do, and a ton more after that. I can do this!! I can do this with the time that I have, and try to keep some balance. I am feeling powerful right now.

Alertness= Balance

Just a few months ago I was in tune with every part of my body, nutrition, movement... Today that is not the case. I am only in touch with my ability to stay alert, so I can maximize my learning potential, and my grades. The problem is that the management of my Narcolepsy also depends keeping myself fairly healthy. The average person feels like shit if they eat shit, and do not participate in some level of activity. With my narcolepsy, and the medication that keeps me awake/alert, I sometimes lose track of traditional forms of nurturing energy, and alertness. Unfortunately I am unable to keep the unavoidable from catching up with me, and eventually I crash hard. I can ignore it in the present, but it kicks my ass when it catches up to me.

(Apologies for the TMI of the next paragraph- I warned you)

I have been struggling with the side effects of one of my meds that helps me sleep at night (cantfuckingshitregularly), and even with the addition of retarded amounts of fiber I cannot get back to normal. I also have been bleeding from the recent insertion of my IUD (late September) since October 2nd. Although I am still about another month away from it taking a toll on my body, it is dragging down my emotions. Getting off the hormonal birth control BLEW UP my sex drive (like teenage-boy style), but I really can't give my husband the fuck I want to because of my situation. I am feeling quite out of sorts with the fact that I suddenly feel this, and can't take advantage of it. Boo*Whoo*

(End TMI rant)

Anyway. I am trying to keep my shit straight, but I felt the need to whine, vent, and talk about how I feel physically. It is real, and it is what I am living.

Racing, but no winner. Shrink reality check.

After last week... I went into the weekend a bit fried, and frazzled. I studied for an okay amount of time on Saturday, but on Sunday I did not get as much as I wanted in. Various reasons to do with some struggles with my current meds, and some other boring shit. Blah. Blah.

I guess that at some point I started feeling guilty for NOT studying during all of my waking hours (at least between 8am and 8pm), and even on the weekends. There is some kind of new compulsion over studying that I have developed- the only way to relieve my anxiety over keeping my grades up is to study more (and more). Literally compulsive. If I do not study "enough" my anxiety rises fast, and I regret doing other stuff besides studying. I can remember each time I had a chance to study and I chose to do something else last week. Like going to the grocery store, or relaxing for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon. I am going to have to reign this in pretty quick.

I did take an hour to see the shrink today. It was pointed out to me that I was talking at a fast and furious pace with out any real structure... she kept trying to steer me back on track, and finally stopped me. Pointed out that I was racing, and functioning at this dash-through pace, but really hurting myself by getting so wound up. I have neglected some basic things- even in my thinking. I was kind of floored by how fast I was going, and after her intervention in my diatribe I burst into tears, and relaxed into the couch. Although I felt like I could get back right into the warp speed, I was able to calm down, and prioritize the rest of my day (in a sane fashion).

Obviously the session with the shrink was a bit more extensive, but that was pretty crazy to be stopped in my tracks like that. I am typically seen as a "calm", but exteriors can be deceiving. Anyway. I had a nice reality check with the shrink, and was able to come to some better place with accepting the day, and calming down.

Love the shrink! Hey- some of you guys left some really awesome comments on my last post (of course a few others made me fucking crack up)!! I enjoyed hearing about what you guys do so well!

Dear Self... What is this all for? Is it worth it? (a little challenge for YOU at the end)

You have not hit the gym in four weeks since school started (and NO once does not count). Your eating is off, and you are struggling with eating during the day, and sometimes too tired (or busy) to make food at night. Your fiber levels are inconsistent, at best- it needs to be very consistent to counteract the side effect of one of your meds. Because of the medicine, and your fiber fluctuations you only shit on the weekends (sorry reading friends), and if you are lucky... a bonus shit on Friday. You only get about five or six hours a week outside, and sunlight only if it isn't cloudy. Your eyes burn from the fetal pigs stored in the labs, and your clothes may or may not smell like it when you get home. Your tan from those long summer walks is fading fast, and your dogs are hyper because they don't get to have those walks anymore. Is it all worth it? What is this for??

There are days when I have to work at keeping my momentum going. There are days when I am so tired that I can barely put food in my mouth, and everything tastes like shit. I only want instant energy those days... there is none left for anything else.

Here is the deal. This is my dream. Going to school is just a part of it, but it really is the whole of what I am doing right now. I struggled in school (ALL of school, every year). When my parents had a better handle on controlling me during my childhood, until around 6th grade, they structured my life around the best grades and swimming they could push out of me. It happened to be great grades, and superior swimming, but at the cost of my emotional development. I fought them the whole way- there comes a time when parents have less of a hand in forcing performance out of a child, and the child either takes over, or drops the ball. I was still fighting, and decided to throw the ball back in their face. I failed the ninth grade because I skipped class, and got kicked off my swim team. I almost failed the second year of ninth grade, and then the summer remedial after that... by the time I graduated high school I had spent five years in high school, and was done. I failed out college pretty quick...

I have always known I was intelligent, and figured I got most of my smarts from genetics, and all of the reading I did instead of homework. When I decided to go back to school last year I made a goal of getting above average grades because I knew I could commit the time to studying to get those. I never made the goal to get the best, and almost perfect grades. Something changed though... In January, towards the end, I got my first paper back in English- 100% (yes I can write in a more formal, correct, intelligent way- don't judge). English was the scariest class I ever thought I would take, and BAM! just like that- it was like a light went off in my head. If I can do this... what else can I do? What about math? all of the bazillion science classes? How about a 4.0???? Done.

Everyday I wake up (for the last four quarters), and decide I am going to continue kicking some fucking ass. I failed miserably at being good at anything- Oh! I was good at gaining weight, but nothing else. It gives me such a high, a confidence boost, a new glimpse at my identity, my talent, etc. to see those kind of grades every day, week, month. It feels like I am okay on the inside. I want to wake up and face the day, and I have hope for my future for the first time, EVER.

Slowly I am learning patience with myself. I may not be losing weight fast, but I am empowered to keep it going, and fight like hell to keep the losing process going. I will not maintain (for now), and I will not gain. I will have patience though! I can kick-ass in every place in my life, some just are slower than others. The school thing is going SO good, and the weight thing is going pretty well (can we throw the husband work in the good category at some point?)...

It feels good to do something well, the best- no matter what it is. So...

I would love to hear about YOUR fuckingasskickershit. Where do you OWN it?!

It can be in any arena... are you the best mother, wife, father? Do you do amazing things on the treadmill? Are you the most creative crafter ever? Is your budgeting like steel, and you can make $5 into $50? Are you like mother nature, and your garden grows like magic? Are you the other dog whisperer? Do you play poker like those guys on TV? Can you square dance like nobody's business?

I don't care how insignificant you "think" it is- tell me where you feel most confident (someone needs to own up to being a ass kicker between the sheets). If you see something that you like that someone else says... go tell them on their blog too. I want to hear straight bragging!!

I will take any of them...

I ended up having a successful weekend, but I completely forgot to post about it. There was a brain push on Sunday afternoon to get myself ready for my child development test, and I kind of lost track of life!

Blah. I am feeling rather drained today. I am having trouble eating during the day, and tonight for the first time I am feeling nauseous just to try to choke down dinner. I have had "perfect" eating behavior during the day for the past year, but lately I have been eating less than ever. When I get home I am usually ravenous... tonight-not so much.

Anyway. I had a great weekend that seemed to balance out my digestive issues, but now I am back to being in a "bind"? I am fucking tired of it.

Crap! I am grumpy because I am tired, and full of information about the histology of osseous tissue (bone). Goodnight.

Body Image Trials (part 9,347)

For years, and years, and years my struggles with body image have fluctuate between different zones... always the torso, but other areas give me fits at different times. I have also found myself contemplating how I should present myself, what level of "done up" for each situation (thanks mom). Even at home I sometimes wonder what the fancy jersey-cotton get ups do to my husband, especially now that I have some tshirts and sweats/shorts left from when I was at my largest- those cannot be flattering in ANY light!

The point is that my focus has narrowed into my dark circles under my eyes, the texture of my hair, and of the oldest friend, body size. These three things will just not quit! Obviously the texture of my hair is NOT EVER going to naturally change (and I stopped dying my hair in 2005, so that includes perms), and I am pretty sure that my circles are here to stay. So I am left with my body size... hmmm... the gift that keeps on giving for me. On my way up the scale numbers my body expands, and on the way down it shrinks into sagbags... it is really, really hard to work on this aspect of me. I faithfully go to therapy, and have worked on this shit for years. Years! My confidence has skyrocketed in the past year, but mostly from my new found faith in myself. I know I am a MUTHERFUCKINGASSKICKINGTEETHGNASHINGBITCH, but that has come from the strength I have inside, and my mind. The feelings about my "shell" are challenged every day.

The hope was always... when I lose weight I will feel better about my body, but not until then...
I have thought that since I started really gaining weight at the age of 16, but now I know that my body image is going to change when I come to a place of forgiveness with myself for all of the years of abuse I heaped onto myself. I am resentful towards ME for what I did (really?? you couldn't have...... instead?) with food.

I want to work on forgiving myself for furthering the abuse, and hurting myself with food, and in the process come to a more peaceful place with my body image.

Dear Weekend Goals (weight loss update)...

Dearest Weekend Goals,

I should be ashamed of myself for thinking twice about getting you done!! It is just when I weighed in today I thought that I might NOT DO ANY OF THEM AS A REWARD FOR LOSING THREE POUNDS!!

FUCK ME!! How many times have I had the desire to reward myself with food (or not exercising, or not doing shit), for losing weight. I have lost three pounds since my last weigh in on October 1st, and I temporarily gave myself a break from my goals for the weekend, and permission to eat a large portion of my husband's birthday cake. Yeah, thankfully I caught myself before the birthday cake started disappearing. In penance (this is for you dearest goals) I am eating a gigantic bowl of steamed broccoli with some turkey chili on the side (beans and broccoli= see last goal from yesterday's post).

That kind of thing is no good. The reward-the-weight-loss-with-opposite-progress. I cannot afford that kind of stuff because I don't get to workout very much these days, and my calorie deficits are low. Sitting on my ass all day in a windowless lab is NOT doing it for the cardio. I DO sprint/walk with my child-sized backpack around campus, but that is NOT like hitting the gym for 1+ hours.

So here is my reminder... NO OPPOSITE-PROGRESS REWARDS!!

Okay, my broccoli & beans are done, and it is time to hit the books!!

What I want to do this weekend.

Well, the obvious is study.

I need some accountability to myself, and some balance... so...

I want to make sure that I take care of some pressing issues this weekend. Here is my list.

• Go to the gym Saturday and Sunday, workout at a moderate pace because I haven't been to the gym in almost a month.
• Walk the dogs both days.
• Make some meals for next week.
• Call my sister to see how things are going (new boyfriend, grades, study habits, health)
• Clean some of the allergy pits in my house.
• Write the emails that I have been putting off to the Pitbull adoption facilitation person.
• (Sorry) Take a fucking shit both days. TMI ALERT!!

These things are REALLY important to me for this weekend. If I don't get them done I am going to be disappointed- I really feel like I need to put some things onto my priority list, and unfortunately they can't be included during the week (and yes, that applies to ALL aspects of my list, ehgm*)....!!

I will post my accomplishments on Sunday night, or Monday morning.

Spanked it!!

I just spanked my A&P 241 professor, and earlier I bent the math instructor over my knee and spanked her ass... or maybe I just aced two tests. I know, I know... not as exciting as two ladies, and one guy spanking!

All of that perv business aside- I really worked hard for the A&P test, and was intimidated by the description of the Lab exam, but I was prepared. The rest is history.

I am having an amazing food day, even with the piece of chocolate that I am currently enjoying (just one)... I have a seven page paper to write between now and Thursday. SUPER- unexcited about the amount of time it is going to take. The subject is fairly enjoyable (psychology geeks- Erikson's psychosocial stages of development)...

Allright. I just wanted to update (and have a post with "spanked" in the title)...

Thank you for thinking of me today (or yesterday) Karen!! I also wanted to include YOU in a post with the title of "spanked"!!

Give the gift of a stuffed scorpion.

The husband's 31st birthday is coming up, and I thought I might find a suitable gift... been stumped for months- until I found these fantastic stuffed scorpions. Nothing like cuddling with a poisonous creature!

On a deeper level... how have the husband and I been doing?? Not so well. Things have calmed down since I went back to school, but only because I see him for about three hours until I pass out. He is not making the needed changes, and I am too tired to fight it. We are still plugging along in couples therapy, but what he says there- he doesn't carry through with at home.

Tough times. That is why I thought one of these adorable scorpions would be the perfect birthday gift!!

If you guys have any better solutions besides stinging nettle... feel free to drop a couple of suggestions my way.

Can I address my desire to not be fat anymore? One year's reflections.

October 2009 90 pounds lost

October 2008

The desire to wake up tomorrow, and find that I lost my obesity... it still resides in my daily thoughts. There is something inside me that shouts out "This isn't fucking fair!" and a bit of "Why did it have to be fat!?"... I cannot promise that this will go away anytime soon because it is a burden on my soul.

Peeking out of the corner of my eye today in class I looked at a girl in the row next to me curled up in her chair with enough room to spare... I understand that I will never be a small person, but I have the desire to be able to "curl up" at some point.

I struggle constantly with the feeling of injustice, unfairness- it is something that I am going to have to get over because I am going to have leftovers from the fat for the rest of my life (read: skin). In some ways I am still an eight year old child throwing a fit about something not being fair, or going my way. In another way I am a stubborn adult that doesn't want to take complete ownership over my situation, and is waiting in denial for it to magically disappear. Anyone have a spare genie in a bottle?

It has been a year since I started this weight loss journey... since I have started changing my life. I have done tremendous things that I never thought I would, and I have faced huge fears. I made some weight loss goals- some I met, and some I did not... nothing I can do about the past.

I hope to finish my weight loss journey in this upcoming year- I cannot predict what the future will hold, but I hope that it will include continuous weigh loss through good times, and bad.

!!

Thanks for the award Friend of the Bear!!

I don't always get to these quick enough (or sometimes at all)... but I haven't gotten this one...

Speaking of quick enough... anyone have some spare time laying around? I feel better about food today, as I stuck to my commitment and made a bunch of stuff yesterday- bakes squashes, rice and veggies, and tons of various kinds of grilled chicken. I came home tonight and IT WAS READY!! Yay! Seriously I was feeling like pizza, so brown rice, squash, and chicken was a great alternative (always).

Nothing tickles my fancy...

Like a good episode of COPS!! The husband and I watch this stuff like it is going extinct... there are three or four channels that run episodes all the time... Nothing like a tackle into a chainlink fence, off a bicycle into the asphalt, or a face full of pepper spray....!!!!

Focus on planning.

During the "longest week" I found myself getting home around 8pm every night, and being at a disadvantage because I had made no efforts to plan for dinner. The ratio was 4:1. That is right! Four take-outs/delivery to ONE cooked dinner (thank you for cooking husband, bonus points). Yeah. Not so good. By the end of the week my fingers hands and feet were swollen, and my digestion was terribly off.

So, I have to plan for the week now, and I am not so good at planning. I read some of your blogs, and you guys are really, really good at planning, cooking ahead, preparing, etc. Now it is my turn. I just have to get it together for Monday-Thursday... Anyway. I have chicken marinating in the fridge to grill ahead of time, and I am going to cook some squashes today, and make a brown rice dish. Hopefully it will be a little easier on me to come home and have some options in place, so I can avoid the trap of EASY (and fucking expensive, we spent sssooo much money on food last week).

Today is going to be pretty exciting. Going to try to get my motivation up to get to the gym, and study. PHew*!

The longest week...good.

Well here ends week one of the longest quarter of school, ever, in my life, yet, now, so far, lala. This is a rather creepy picture of me... click on it if you would like to get the BIG picture.

Here is the schedule:

Leave for school at 830am, get to school fifteen minutes later, and lurk around the campus for parking for not less than a half of an hour. My child development class starts at 930 and lasts fifty minutes.

From 1030am- 225pm jail myself in the Anatomy/Physiology lab- this weeks special= observation, recording, and learning different types of Human tissues. Some of the samples are boring and nondescript (brain drain), and others are facinating (brian fuel). Compact bone tissue is especially beautiful, and unusual. These pictures don't really do it justice, but you kind of get the point.

Anyway. From 230pm-345pm I slave through an algebra class, and after I tromp back to the lab until 530. From 530-730pm I spend two hours in a brain lock learning more information than is humanly possible to retain about the body. I get home at 8pm.

At some point during the day I do a bit of math, and my child development reading. On the weekends I will spend another five hours at school in the lab, and a huge time investment in the world of develpment at home. Just me and a bunch of old men who have great knowledge of develpment.

Unless the information load suddenly lifts I will only be able to make it to the gym on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I am not going to beat myself up over it because my grades are going to have to stay my #1 priority. I am going to try to take a "walk break" a couple of times a day where I spend ten minutes or so climbing stairs in the building, or something intense to get my heart rate up.

I am going to have to face a more rigid program with my calories (with health in mind). I have been dependent on exercise, and moderate calorie restriction, but now I am going to have to face the 1500 calorie monster... I know that some of you do it quite naturally- it gives me some anxiety.

I need to get things going steadily in the right direction though. I am not expecting miracles, but I do need to treck along the weight loss path in a more steady fashion.

Obviously the picture was doctored a little bit (?), and I am feeling like I got my brain slapped, or spanked... I am having trouble distributing my calories, and even drinking water, as the labs prohibit food or drinks within the rooms. I know, I know... leave and eat/drink outside... I have just been getting all wrapped up in the excitement (cue fetal pigs dancing around the room). The portions are 17 hours of class time: 35-40 hours of studying (who thinks learning for 55+ hours a weeks is great?!).

Alright. You have now been UPDATED.

If I can climb this high...

I may one day emerge from this textbook induced depression, until then I will run around like a zombie... I started school Monday, and it is Tuesday night near 11PM... I have just caught my breath while printing notes from lectures... I am not sure I know my name anymore, or how to tie my shoes even- but I WILL FUCKING KNOW WHERE MY ABDOMINOPELVIC CAVITY IS, AND WHAT IT CONTAINS!!

Anyway. I am not dead (reminder to self, mostly), and will be back to update on Friday... Eating is sporadic, and I am trying to get in two larger meals since I have very little time otherwise! Ahhh!