Spending time on a brown leather couch... many hours in the shrink's office... crying, whining, enlightening moments, new insights, and support.
About a week ago I wrote a little about my issue with waking up in the middle of the night and eating- it is one of my hardest behaviors to overcome. Mostly because my eating issues center around the hours of 6PM-6AM... and we can call those issues IRRATIONAL ANXIETY. As I have gotten deeper and deeper into the behaviors, habits, and fears, it seems it comes down to the fear of hunger. The history of this fear seems to have come out of my early childhood, and maybe even out of infant struggles with my mother, and feeding. You may or may not believe that we develop issues from those times, but that doesn't really matter- they exist now, and now is what I am facing.
The fear is concentrated with going to bed hungry, and waking up hungry in the middle of the night. It may sound weird, and it feels weird to acknowledge, but I really think that many of our eating issues center around fear (fear of experiencing certain emotions, abandonment, etc. YOU can think about those personal reasons). I feel juvenile even talking about this!! Since I am not blogging to censor myself, or hide my issues-
With the guidance of my shrink I have been exploring the fear that causes my anxiety... in this way...
If I go to bed hungry, what is the worst thing that will happen?
When I wake up in the middle of the night and feel hungry, what is the worst thing that will happen?
If I turn out the lights to go to bed and feel hungry will anything bad happen?
Obviously the answer to those questions is simply... I WILL FEEL ANXIOUS. We all know that feeling anxious because we are hungry never caused death, abandonment, starvation (since we are not on the desert plains in Africa), or destruction. For the past______ years I have been medicating the anxiety with food. I have even learned to PRE-medicate the anxiety with food. When my bingeing was at its worst I would eat dinner, and then have a binge, and then maybe follow it up with some snacks... by the time I got to sleep I would be so full that I would wake up in the morning burping the food I had eaten the night before. If I happened to not eat enough, and wake up in the middle of the night I would take care of the feeling with more food.
As the last ten months have progressed I have really overcome a lot of the bingeing behaviors, night eating, etc... but I have come up on challenges multiple times with slowed weight loss because of adding calories to my day with night snacking (8-11PM), or wake up eating.
I have started working on facing the anxiety over the night hunger issues, but it feels fucking terrible!! Uncomfortable!! Shitfucktastic!!
Okay. Those are my deep thoughts for the day. I hope that those of you who can relate to my fear based eating are working on this aspect too. I write these things first for myself, but second so someone might not feel so alone (or ridiculous) in their struggles. I know that I read posts sometimes that feel like I could have written them.
GOODNIGHT!
2 hours ago
14 comments:
Can't sleep, got out of bed to...
EAT.
Snack: 1 point bread made into cinnamon toast.
Why? Slightly hungry? Couldn't sleep, stressed, so eat.
Had you not written this post, I wouldn't even have caught what I was doing.
Anxiety is my middle name. Food was a huge issue when I was a child--I was a picky eater and picked on because of it.
Wow, you have given me much to think about here.
Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate when people are so honest and real on blogs, because not helping themself, it helps others.
Wow.
Hi I am super new to this, I have been reading your blog, and I must say, i love your honesty, and your ability to admit these issues. I to have a severe problem with night eating, and didn't really think about it until reading your post, but I deffinitely see myself in a lot of these things. I just started my blog here, and it is very nice to see so many other people suceeding with motivation and support of each other. You are very inspiring.
Yes, it's your honesty that I love as well.
I do not share this anxiety so I have nothing to share but I'm glad you're working through it to get to it.
You just helped Jo by posting so that really ROCKS.
thanks for the post. i cant explain how i understand it, because this comment would become a post, but yeah, im one of those people that was just like, wow, that is exactly what i am going through!
Weird - I have a thing where I MUST eat an evening meal, even if I'm not hungry, because I worry about being hungry in the night. But as you've just pointed out - what's the worst that could happen? So I wake up hungry, I get a little snack to stop me being hungry and I go back to sleep. So simple, so why I can't I do that. Now I've thought about it a bit, I might though.
Thanks for that. x
I love the "what's the worst thing that will happen" - I've used that before to deal with situations in my life, and I've taught it to my kids when they are worried about something.
I hope this is a breakthrough for you!
My Dad has used that phrase "what is the worst that will happen?" all my life growing up! If I was ever worried about something or at a crossroads about doing something, he would ask me that. I think it has shaped me into a person that really doesn't worry about too much! My husband wonders how I can be so "relaxed" all the time! However, he grew up with his parents ALWAYS concentrating on all the bad things that can happen, so therefore, he worries and has anxiety about EVERYTHING! It is important to recognize our upbringing and I agree with you that many issues can come from those early struggles in life.
So glad you are getting the help you need to feel better and tackle these issues. I know it's hard work and you should be proud of all you have accomplished with your therapy so far!
Interesting post. I don't have as much of this anxiety, but I do think there is a desire to avoid being hungry in favor of being full. I saw a list one time of "things skinny people do" or something like that, and one of those things was "they don't think it's the end of the world if they feel a little hunger." And I realized I avoided hunger, pre-emptively, by increasing portion sizes, going back for seconds, grabbing a meal or snack before work or during work breaks... After that, I sometimes keep in mind when I feel hunger that it's okay, that a person can get by on an empty stomach for a while, that hunger pangs often pass after a few moments and then you feel perfectly normal again, and that hunger = weight loss!
hugs to you. glad you're working all these issues out. I, too, love your honesty. It's like we're sitting together and you're just talking to me. really enjoy your blog.
nighttime eating isn't my thang... now stress eating? that's my style... congrats on facing up to your demons!
I am going to look into the "worst that will happen" thoughts for the rest of my life. I don't have much anxiety about being hungry usually, unless I'm hours away from being able to eat, which gets uncomfortable, makes me grouchy. As the ex used to say "feed me, or feed me to something", anyway, forget him. If I have a huge lunch, I'll often skip dinner, or not really get hungry until 9 or 10 (too late for me to eat dinner), but I'll often eat watermelon/grapefruit/peaches/carrot/ something healthy and filling that won't inspire strange guilt. Also helps that I have nothing in the house worth overeating.
Hey there--
My grandmother taught my mom that a stomach growling in church was a sin. . . so it's amazing that night eating isn't one of my issues!
I do have a fear of hunger though. . . it leads me to overeat. It hepls me to have snacks with me and planned. . . knowing I have a next meal. I'm not sure how that would help in the night.
I had a study partner in college who was a cheerleader and very very wholesome and nice. She said something once when we were together about going to bed hungry that I have never forgotten and often now to myself when I feel a bit hungry at bed time or in the night. . . "ooooh, breakfast is going to taste SOOOOO Good!"
Thanks for your kind words on my blog. Glad to know I'm not the only one in therapy! :)
i too love your honesty. Thank you for being so candid. I am an anxiety eater but during the day! The moment I leave my home, even if I wasn't hungry inside my door, the moment I'm outside my door i say to myself, "I'm hungry!" it's not hunger. it's anxiety. It's anxiety being with people, not feeling safe, not feeling in control, feeling like I might be hurt somehow. These anxieties come from conclusions I made as a child... they aren't true anymore!!!! and yet I still live in these outlandish fears! I am a christian and I have to remind myself that God said, "There is NO FEAR in love for perfect love casts out all fear." I want God to help me conquer my fear because WHO THE HECK NEEDS TO LIVE IN FEAR?!?!!? It's a waste of my time, it's not even true and it's making me fat. :P
thank you for your honesty. I love it. :)
I just came upon your blog and I really like it. I love how candid you are. I don't have a problem with late-night eating, but I overeat consistently during the day, so I really understand a lot of what you're saying. I really like that you're asking yourself the worst that can happen. It sounds like a really good plan. I can't wait to read more about your journey!
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