I have been going through some of my boxes in the basement little by little over the past couple of weeks and I came across a journal from two years ago. It was kind of bittersweet to look at it because I love that I was expressing myself in collage form but the content of the pages is rather sad. What really stood out to me about this page were the words- Frustration, Damned to Hell, Fat Jail, Trouble in Mind... Not that these feelings were unique to this one day, but it is what I was taught to feel about my weight over my lifetime. I was taught it was shameful to be fat by my parents and then it was reinforced by my peers. Also, everyday, we are inundated with messages from the media that being anything but bare bones in a skin sack is the most horrible thing imaginable. Celebrities get interviewed for appearing rounder or gaining ten pounds and it becomes front page news for magazines and internet gossip. It is a sickness. We are immersed in a culture of sickness surrounding body image.
Society's expectations breed self-loathing in women of any size. I have struggled for years with how I am supposed to love myself when I don't fit in (literally and figuratively) to society... I am fat and therefore not attractive... Oh, look, my doctor's office doesn't have a scale that goes up to my weight... The anxiety associate with flying and being sat in a full row and "overflowing" into someone else's seat... Are the booths big enough at this restaurant?... Will Lane Bryant have anything left in my size?... Will my health insurance cover this?... Wow, those kids are making fun of me... Plus size is a size twelve now?... You get the point.
I have bought into the messages from my parents, peers and society, but I am trying to fight it. At some point I realized that I would have the same issues even if I lost weight; if I wasn't fat anymore I would just focus on the imperfections. I know I am fighting tooth and nail to change my thoughts though. I am trying to look at my food relationships with empathy and kindness instead of anger and shame... I have set realistic goals to get to a certain level of fitness and balance so I can resume the activities I love but I am rejecting the bullshit that the media has fed us about what BMI we are all supposed to be (18-24%) to be "perfect". It is a fight and a constant battle to correct the thoughts that come to me so naturally. I am trying and taking steps in the right direction.
I am better today than I was yesterday...
