I have been reflecting on past weight loss attempts and trying to remember what held me up or caused issues. I bump up against patience a lot. There have been times when I have given up or said "Fuck it!" because three or four pounds was just a drop in the bucket of weight that I want to lose. It is hard to keep in perspective that every pound of weight I lose and keep off, is on step closer to healthy and one less that my body has to contend with. In the past, after I lost ten or twenty or even fifty pounds, I would get frustrated because I still had so much to lose. My weight didn't get to be what it is overnight and took many years to get to where it is now- but sometimes I just want to throw a temper tantrum (involving food) because I have such a long way to go.
Kind of on a different subject... I was going through some of my craft/art supplies yesterday in the basement and I found a picture of myself from 2003. I remember the picture vividly because after I got it developed I was mortified at how fat I was. I was so mean to myself over that picture. I was about 120 pounds less than I am now when it was taken but at the time I was so cruel and harsh about my weight. BUT GUESS WHAT? Right about now, I would give just about anything to be at that weight. I cannot believe how mean I was to myself about it. I mean terrible. Looking back on what my self-talk was like at that weight, it is no wonder I gained so much more weight. I wanted to travel back and give the 2003 me a hug and show myself how bad it would get if I didn't work on loving who I was and appreciating my beauty just the way I was.
It is enlightening to see how beautiful and perfect a size 18 can be. I remember it well- I didn't always have to go to a strictly plus sized store, I fit nicely in a airplane seat, I never had to worry about getting a table at a restaurant because a table fit just fine, I tied my shoes without even thinking about it and most of all I felt better; I could still run and jump and swim and balance. Being cruel and a perfectionist about weight doesn't get you anywhere.
