I will attempt to describe the changes... First, it is easier to slip into a binge-- since I have changed my eating habits, it seems like I can start a snack and a couple of hours late realized I have snacked AND snacked AND snacked. I can't fit as much into my stomach in a single sitting, so I tend to snack over a couple of hours which turns into a binge. Again, not going to label it as good or bad but something I need to be aware of. I guess an even bigger change would be that I don't feel as ashamed or guilty over a binge anymore (this is going to be labeled as good). It is something that I sometimes do and is part of me...and something I am working to overcome. Whatt is different is that I used to be in a rotten cycle of binge- feel guilt/shame - binge to cover guilt/shame- feel worse- binge more... You get it. I have come pretty far from that place-- not to say that I am healed and have no need for therapy, but I am saying that bingeing is beginning to change and I feel like I am making progress.
The progress seems to be in the area of acceptance; I have fought myself over it and had such conflict and disgust and now it is something that I view with more love and forgiveness (myself AND bingeing). Through years of therapy I have come closer to accepting bingeing as a coping mechanism that helped me stay alive. That might have made you flinch, to think of bingeing as a lifesaver, but for me it played a role in keeping me alive during a the darkest hours of my life. With bingeing I was able to push the overwhelming emotions down, for just a while, and live another day. Last year I saw a therapist briefly who introduced me to the thought that bingeing might have kept me alive. When something hurts too much to live with there has to be a way to get through it...
Now, the other side of this is that I kept bingeing with me. I was in so much emotional pain as a child and adolescent that the coping turned into an addiction and eventually into the something life threatening. I think that it changed from keeping me from killing myself as a teenager to something that would kill me if I continued as an adult. There is a place where you switch from a survivor (as a child/teen) into an adult with choices and freedom. Children are victims of their circumstances but adults are able to stop the cycles and make changes. I kept the victim mentality and still struggle with it today, but I am slowly taking the power back. I want to be powerful and I want to take back the power (figuratively) that I continued to give up through my first decade independent of my parents.
I feel like I am working towards this slowly but diligently-- I feel like while my body is starting to shrink, I am slowly filling with power like an inflating balloon. Last year at this time I was in a pretty bad place- I have done so much in the last six months that I am a little bit in awe of myself! I hope all of you out there realize that you are doing the same thing. Maybe in a different way or on a different road... but you are filling yourself with power. Power over the past (to forgive and move forward), power right now (fighting the good fight for your life and making changes everyday), and power for the future (imagine all that you can be).
A huge part of the ability to move on from mistakes has been from the empowerment I receive in blog land. I can look at people who have had success and see their journey- I can see the excitement of success and long-term commitment! It is funny though... A little secret... when I go on someone's blog that has lost weight... I look at their challenges and fuck- ups- really! I search out when they had a weight gain, or a hard time, and I read about how they got through it. I read until they get back to losing and feel encouraged because I know that the journey is not black and white (great weight loss all the time) but a hundred different shades of gray. I see that in the long run, that the rough patches don't stop them from still working towards their goals.
I encourage you guys to talk about your fuck-ups too. I love a good IFUCKEDUPPOST- it makes me feel like I got rid of the negative emotions surrounding it and also I am able to laugh about it (or cry) and relate to all of you out there. I must say, I have never put myself out there and not had someone (or ten people) relate to me. I would hate for there to be an expectation in blogland that everything needs to go smooth and positive all the time. WE KNOW IT DOESN'T! I hope that we can share EVERY ASPECT of the journey, whether it is good or bad or okay or shitty or fantastic.
All right. I feel cleansed and ready to move on from my candy/chicken/cheese (wait a minute... do you see a pattern... C's!! After my W's post last night I am seeing all kinds of these...haha!) binge and into a better day!
