On January 5th, I go back to school! I am really excited! The opportunity for me to go back and work on continuing my education is something I never thought I would get to do. THERE IS A BIT OF ANXIETY running around in my head. The anxiety is over the pictures above... What?! But they are just desks!
They are just desks... but they are little desks for average sized people and I was challenged to comfortable fit in them when I was last in college (and late high school) at 250 pounds. I am quite a bit larger now (especially around the middle) and I know for a fact that they will be a problem. It wouldn't be such a big deal but they are ONE SIZE FITS ALL!
In the last month, a thousand terrible situations have run through my head over the desk issue. At the school I am attending the science classrooms tend to have a table and separate chair- but all of the othermutherfucking classes usually have the single desk/chair unit. I was resolved until my husband pointed out that it might be better to address the situation before I get to my classes next week. I agreed.
Today I had to drag myself into student disability services to make an appointment to talk to someone. It is fucking terrible and I actually am feeling a little weepy about it. Tomorrow at 2PM I have and appointment to ask someone to consider my plea to put a special table and separate chair in each of my classes for me. It brings up some BIG WORDS: MORTIFIED, EMBARRASSED, DISGUSTED, HUMILIATED, FUCKINGFEDUP!
It really just sucks. I am feeling like it could have been prevented (I know, I know)... This is just something that I have to go through. I have to face this issue and go through the anxiety that goes with it. It just fuckingsucks. I am keeping aware of my eating and making sure I don't turn to food to comfort me (yeah, it doesn't work AND makes this situation worse).
In the end it will make my resolve stronger to get the weight off so I can blend in with society and not have to get a FATTY DESK set up for me. It will be a huge day for me when I can fit into a regular desk and it is one of my goals now. I am torn over this and it is just sad for me. It brings a lot of sorrow welling up in me that I have gotten to this point (although slowly fixing it) and that it took this much weight to get my attention.
Don't be worried. It is a real problem. It is something that I have to deal with. It is another thing that some people will relate to. The anxiety and humiliation that I feel is kind of part of the whole package. I will take what I should from this and do my fuckingbest not to eat over it and just be sad (you know, not stuff the feelings with 40 ounces of soda and six slices of pizza and snacks to follow).
It is the reality of being morbidly obese.
It is also the reality of living in a time where obese people are not accommodated for.
