For years I have pushed back on the idea that I am a perfectionist. This past year with a super therapist I have identified that I am indeed a perfectionist and that my ultimate reaction to not being able to be perfect in every way has been to rebel against the idea of it and go the opposite direction. There are other reasons for my bingeing and eating disorder behaviors but this is one of the top three. It is terrible to realize that perfection is not possible and then slowly destroy myself over it without even consciously intending to (in this aspect).
Two weeks ago I started school again and the perfectionist monster has reared its very ghastly head and today I had a perfectionist meltdown. I have tons of anxiety over my school performance and my ability to overcome some of the issues I had with school when I was younger. Even though I know that they had to do with the abusive environment my parents had created and less with my cognitive and intellectual abilities, I still have the voices in my head of education failure.
Today I was preparing for a paper that I have due in eight days... and freaked out. I had ten pages of notes written for brainstorming the idea of the paper and fifteen different references. I had developed this intricate, complicated theory and developed it into a thesis when I blew my cool. I realized there was no way I was going to accomplish the assignment because I had overdone it. I needed two references and I had fifteen. FUCKINGFIFTEEN. Can we say overkill? Can we say FAIL? I realized that the instructor would have eaten me alive for not following her directions in an attempt to do more and be better. Overkill is not always good. Anyway. I had been immersed in this scheme for about six hours when I realized that it had all been in vain. BLOWAFUCKINGGASKET!
The point of this is not to bore you with school details but maybe to compare this attitude to my weight loss. I flipped out this week when I only lost two pounds in two weeks. Although I recovered the next day- I sure had a lot to deal with during the weigh in day. Also I ate shitty last night content wise and ended up obsessing over what damage I might have done (maybe eaten enough calories to maintain, if not less- that is NOT damage). I am always on edge and worrying about what I did or what I am going to do about this or that and it is all in the quest of perfection.
I want to have the perfect weight loss (what is the perfect weight loss, by the way?). I want to get a 4.0 in school. I want all of my instructors to think I am a genius. I want my relationship with my husband to always be growing and changing for the better and NEVER want it to be strained or tense. I want my dogs to behave perfectly. If something is not perfect I get angry and anxious (self-destructive? anyone? anyone?).
I cannot control life to mold it into perfection. I cannot hope my dogs into perfect pups- they are behaviorally challenged! My husband and I are going to go through rough patches and may not come out of it always happy and huggy. CAN WE PLEASE DEFINE WEIGHT LOSS AS AN IMPERFECT ART? Really. I don't think it even contains perfect in its theory!
Anyway. I am not able to obtain perfection. I do know that I can do the best that I can in the circumstances that I am in and after that I have to let it all go.
Control Freak! Perfectionist! I am not beating myself up... just coming to an understanding that I am a perfectionist and I need to really view my actions through the lens of trying to let some of those expectations go.
