Anticipation.

There has been a lot of reflection in the last couple of days on the fact that I can anticipate almost any food behavior and that not much of what I do with food is a surprise. I think it is a real sign of how deep my food issues run, that I can accurately predict what I am going to do that is damaging and yet, I still do it. If you don't know what I mean I will give you an example. 

I know that if I bake a dessert, even if healthy, I will consume the majority of it in a small amount of time (less than twenty-four hours, no matter what size). So, yesterday, I bought granny smith apples to make apple crisp. I completely ignored or denied the truth behind what I was going to do once the apple crisp was made and still bought the apples. When I got home I briefly came face to face with the truth but quickly pushed it away and went back into denial. Fast forward almost twenty hours later and I have eaten about 2/3 of it. I had a large portion last night for dessert and then I had a medium portion with a large glass of milk for lunch. There is nothing wrong with having apple crisp for lunch, every once in a while- but there is a problem with a bowl of it at midnight, last night, after I had already had sugar-free pudding for desert. 

The real issue here is that I go into denial or I ignore the warnings. Every time I eat more or worse or binge I can accurately predict it is going to happen and in order to make it happen I have to shove reality into some kind of deep, dark hole. I really want to start listening to my own reality. I think it is the key to long term weight management for me. I think it is also the most important tool I can use to overcome and heal from binge eating. It is funny, NOTHING I do (food behavior wise) is a surprise! I never binge or overeat or put myself in a position to without knowing it is going to happen and automatically shutting up the anticipation. 

It is really frustrating to come to this realization because I kind of feel insane. It is like I take a trip away from reality all the time in order to eat without sanity. I quiet the voice of reason. I quiet the voice of warning. I quiet the voice of BEEN HERE DONE THIS. I quiet all of the voices because if I let them loose I probably would not do what I do with food. 

The question is now, HOW DO I EMBRACE THE VOICES? I think I have started to let them back into my life slowly, but I want them bouncing around freely. "You know what is going to happen if you make apple crisp!" and "Even though you bought the apples, how about you eat them plain or make an applesauce instead of going for the apple crisp?"... 

On a side note... I made myself go to the gym today, even though I went yesterday. I have been on an every other day commitment but I felt like I would benefit going today to make up for my apple- crisp- midnight- moonlight. Oh yeah! A personal ass kicking. After I finished I told myself that I could enjoy apple crisp all I liked as long as I made up for it in the gym the next day. I am not so sure I want to do that very often though.