Mostly, I am hungry. I have been eating sane for eleven days and though a lot has changed, I am still as hungry as I was on day one. My hunger is specific to volume and content- No, I do not want a giant bowl of broccoli... Yes, I do want half of an extra-cheese, supreme pizza. To put it simply, I crave a large portion of high fat/starch/calorie...
My lunch usually includes a large serving of steamed vegetables, some kind of lean protein and fruit. I include whole grains for breakfast and dinner, as those are especially tough time for my hunger. I have a snack of fruit mid-morning and a snack of popcorn a couple of hours after dinner (they serve a purpose to stave off some of the cravings that come from years of bingeing during those times.). I am eating enough calories and the right foods but my body is just not used to less of everything. Less calories, less fat, less sugar, less volume... I know it is a process of patience and will lessen over time, but right now it is making me crazy!
As far back as I can remember food has been there for me during challenging times. I depended on it for so much- it was there for me as a child when, emotionally, my parents were not. I carried it into adulthood and now face the battle of saying goodbye to my relationship with food and learning how to nurture and love myself. It is really a strange process and the last eleven days have been... well... weird. I have felt lost, alone and in a daze sometimes. I have also felt empowerment and a new sense of self- but the emotions are in conflict right now. Part of me wants to grow and learn and be free and the other part is terrified and trying to hold on to what I have known for so long. It is not an easy process.
So, for today, I am cold and hungry, empowered and scared but eleven days stronger and ready to continue the fight!
