The anxiety part of changing my night eating habits is extremely challenging. I guess I was expecting a reward for facing the anxiety (here we go, getting to the bottom of the issue) and coming out strong on the other side. I was hoping that I would weigh and the gods of the scale would reward me with a big loss for the two weeks. Like a scale genie.
Its is hard not to feel like there are positive payoffs for facing my anxieties over my weight. On one hand, I know that in the future I will not have to work on this so hard and it will be one less obstacle- BUT I also know that sometimes when things are really tough a little, tiny kick of motivation is helpful.
I feel like a spoiled brat having a temper tantrum right now. I am getting teary and feeling the "fuck it" hunger creeping up. I feel really immature and pouty and I might want to stomp around the house and kick shit around (exercise?). I also know that some people reading this might be turned off by my mini- meltdown over a two pound weight loss. I know I am ALSO facing some of the OTHER THOUSANDS OF ISSUES I have with my weight and body issues. I am feeling the impatience over this process! I am also feeling sick and fucking tired of being morbidly obese. I am tired of my pants falling off because my waist is still bigger than my hips. The social anxiety over my weight is trying my tolerance and I feel like I am always going to be obese and over 300 pounds.
Now, obviously I need a plan of action to avoid a monster binge and then another monster binge tomorrow. I am going to list what I am going to do today and then I will post an update tonight.
1. I will not binge. If I am feeling like I might freak out and do so I will tell my husband and have him sit with me through the anxiety spell.
2. I am going to the gym after I finish my class (around two) to workout. I will not try to make up for anything and workout at a normal pace.
3. I will do extra cleaning around my house to make me feel better. I always feel better when I clean, as I am a terrible housekeeper.
4. I will not snack after dinner.
5. I will cry if I need to but I will try to cry over my sadness and sorrow and not because I feel like throwing a pity party.
6. I will tell myself as many times as I need to that this is all worth it and that I am worth this struggle. I will sing it, shout it or text it. I will remind myself that this is not just about TODAY but an investment for my future.
It is amazing that even a weight loss can send me into a funk. I wanted something that I did not get and I am having trouble celebrating a loss! WTF? I am sure that most of you can relate in one way or another. I just feel silly in a way. Ungrateful? Unappreciative of my efforts? Mean to myself? Being a crazy perfectionist?
Anyway. I am glad I posted this. I am on my way to class and then the gym. BEING STRONG!
