Frustration. Unwarranted.

Today I got on the scale and all of my resolve not to base my progress only on my weight flew out the window. Why? I lost two pounds. Weird! I should be happy with two pounds! Well, that is two pounds in two weeks. I was sick last week and my body got all out of whack with sodium levels. My rings were tight and at night I couldn't wear them. Here is the thing though- I have been doing really well for the rest of the time and two pounds is not sounding good to me. 

The anxiety part of changing my night eating habits is extremely challenging. I guess I was expecting a reward for facing the anxiety (here we go, getting to the bottom of the issue) and coming out strong on the other side. I was hoping that I would weigh and the gods of the scale would reward me with a big loss for the two weeks. Like a scale genie. 

Its is hard not to feel like there are positive payoffs for facing my anxieties over my weight. On one hand, I know that in the future I will not have to work on this so hard and it will be one less obstacle- BUT I also know that sometimes when things are really tough a little, tiny kick of motivation is helpful. 

I feel like a spoiled brat having a temper tantrum right now. I am getting teary and feeling the "fuck it" hunger creeping up. I feel really immature and pouty and I might want to stomp around the house and kick shit around (exercise?). I also know that some people reading this might be turned off by my mini- meltdown over a two pound weight loss. I know I am ALSO facing some of the OTHER THOUSANDS OF ISSUES I have with my weight and body issues. I am feeling the impatience over this process! I am also feeling sick and fucking tired of being morbidly obese. I am tired of my pants falling off because my waist is still bigger than my hips. The social anxiety over my weight is trying my tolerance and I feel like I am always going to be obese and over 300 pounds. 

Now, obviously I need a plan of action to avoid a monster binge and then another monster binge tomorrow. I am going to list what I am going to do today and then I will post an update tonight. 

1. I will not binge. If I am feeling like I might freak out and do so I will tell my husband and have him sit with me through the anxiety spell.

2. I am going to the gym after I finish my class (around two) to workout. I will not try to make up for anything and workout at a normal pace.

3. I will do extra cleaning around my house to make me feel better. I always feel better when I clean, as I am a terrible housekeeper. 

4. I will not snack after dinner.

5. I will cry if I need to but I will try to cry over my sadness and sorrow and not because I feel like throwing a pity party. 

6. I will tell myself as many times as I need to that this is all worth it and that I am worth this struggle. I will sing it, shout it or text it. I will remind myself that this is not just about TODAY but an investment for my future. 

It is amazing that even a weight loss can send me into a funk. I wanted something that I did not get and I am having trouble celebrating a loss! WTF? I am sure that most of you can relate in one way or another. I just feel silly in a way. Ungrateful? Unappreciative of my efforts? Mean to myself? Being a crazy perfectionist? 

Anyway. I am glad I posted this. I am on my way to class and then the gym. BEING STRONG! 

Less than 24.

This morning was rough as I sat down to reflect on what happened yesterday afternoon. After I wrote a quick post yesterday, I found myself curled up in bed and caring not what the rest of the day went like. I was feeling like shit and decided (even after recognizing that I wanted to) to kind of eat the rest of the day away. I did too... I had three pieces of pizza for lunch, then a snack of mint/chocolate candy and chips and then finished the night with two pieces of pizza, more chocolate and chips and some juice. It is not as much as I used to be able to eat but I really just kind of temporarily abandoned all of the care I have been giving myself. At eleven, last night, I realized I had not eaten any veggies and made an emergency cabbage salad to even out some of the lack of fiber in my day. It was not a good afternoon and the evening was worse AND I felt like shit after eating all of the fat/starch/sugar/calories. 

Whatever. It was done last night and I really planned to keep it that way but I woke up and kind of started the same motions again. I ate my usual raisin bran and then added some chocolate and a piece of pizza a few hours later (besides ordering the pizza, it is kind of a long, boring story how all of the shit ended up in our house but both my husband and I contributed to it). At some point this morning I ended up with some pretty bad anxiety over the situation around my weight and my progress. I cried and resolved to clean up and get my shit together (RIGHT THEN, AT THAT VERY MOMENT). 

To get back on track I decided to get to the gym and get a plan for dinner together so I could feel like I had some stability back. We did go to the gym within the hour and stopped at the grocery store after to pick up some things to make a huge pot of soup. I felt more in control almost immediately after we got done at the gym. I also felt like I had accomplished something in turning my day around, right in the middle of it. Usually, when I fuck up, I at least finish out the day in the same fashion (and sometimes the week, month, year...) and really take the binge to the next level. Today I stopped the crappy eating and resolved to finish the day in a way that would set me up for success tomorrow. 

The panic I felt today was because I lost control yesterday and almost went into a second day of problems (as in over twenty-four hours...). I have been able to consistently get it back together before even twelve hours since I started to work on my weight again and today I felt like I might spin out of control for a longer period of time. I want to avoid the "FUCK IT" attitude I have used for so long. I really don't feel that way and I want to save myself from the road of pain and misery I have been on. For the first time in my life I feel like I want something different besides food. I want to live a long life and I want to live and adventurous, active life. Using "FUCK IT" only got me weight gain and inactivity. 

PHEW! I feel more balanced tonight. I am going to have to be careful over the next two days because my asthma is acting up along with my allergies because of this terrible cold we are having. I want to make sure I am taking care not to end up really sick!

If you don't mind taking a minute, I would love to hear about how you get back on track when you have a fall...