I just wanted to praise her for taking a stand on an issue that she is very passionate about regarding things we all go through. I mean, honestly folks, how many of us haven't thought about it? I know I have and I wanted to explain my own experience with the consideration of weight loss surgery.
A couple of years ago I was about ----------------- this close to getting the Lap Band. I got the examination from my primary done, the medical tests (numerous, expensive), and I went through the psychological screening. Can I just say, before I go on, that all of these things were a half-assed joke?
First of all, my doctor (I am NOT her patient anymore) did not know shit about weight loss surgery in any way, shape or form and "winged" the exam and forms she was supposed to fill out to deem me suitable for the surgery. I almost laughed out loud at her confusion. It was ridiculous (really doctor, you don't know anything, nothing at all? obesity epidemic? you have heard of it but not studied it?)...
Second, the psychological screening... JJJJOOOOKKKKEEEE! and I will tell you why...
With the Lap Band there is a rather serious side effect that if you eat past capacity, you will throw up. Period. Done. Barf. Isn't that funny that I was smack dab in the middle of a run with bulimia when I was getting all of this done? Hmmm... wouldn't it be great to get bulimia installed right into my very being? No more fingers in the throat? No more scratches from long fingernails in my throat and blood in my vomit? No more ruined fingernails and raw hands from the stomach acid? FUCKINGPERFECT!
SO! During that screening with the psychologist do you think that they asked me if I was bulimic or had ever purged? How about the physician? Was that something that was on her paperwork? FUCKNO,FUCKNO AND FUCKNO!
(That is a whole other post, waiting to be written, that fat people can't be bulimic and the medical profession ignores the possibility and is even shocked if a fat person is because bulimia is stereotyped with thinness)
Obviously, I was going into the procedure with wrong intentions and was looking to have a "binge button" that basically kept me from digesting the binges. Obviously, I was fooling myself, at first, that I couldn't lose weight on my own. Obviously, I needed a shrink and a gym membership and some support AND TIME AND PATIENCE.
It is weird though, I vowed not to lie to anyone in the process of the screening for the weight loss. You know what? I didn't have to. No one asked. I am very grateful that I came to terms with the fact that I had intentions that were not about getting healthy. I wanted to be able to binge and not live with the consequences anymore. I wanted to be free to slowly deal with my issues and lose the weight much faster. I wanted the burden of the struggle of hunger to be decreased because being hungry MADE MY ANXIETY ALMOST UNBEARABLE. I assumed that I could not kick the bingeing and that I would have to find a way to live with it without ending up 400 or 500 pounds. This is what I thought then.
I was at a pretty hopeless point then. Bulimia is a terrible thing to deal with. I have to say though that NOTHING HAS BEEN AS HARD AS THE PROCESS OF STOPPING BINGEING. I was able to stop the purging over the course of a year. I HAVE BEEN TRYING NOT TO BINGE FOR TWELVE YEARS. TWELVE FUCKING YEARS.
How desperate are we? Are we willing to risk our very being to be surgically altered to stop our bingeing (compulsive eating, if you prefer)? Can you be surgically altered to stop bingeing? I think we know that answer. Every single person who has dealt with bingeing knows that surgery is not going to fix bingeing. Bingeing comes from our minds and our souls. So many of us have broken hearts and sorrowful souls. We are hurting, we are angry and we are fucking sad. We need therapy, friends, lovers, time and patience. We don't need to physically alter how we are made as human beings....
Hey, guess what? Our stomach can shrink! With the gradual reduction in calorie intake we naturally evolve! Bless this body! We are made to evolve and change. During times of famine (when there were famines) our body is able to partially adapt by shrinking our stomachs to feel fuller with less and feel the hunger less! Famine used to happen and people survived because of our glorious, adapting bodies! There is hope!
I guess it comes down to patience. At some point I chose patience. Before my final surgical consultation I chose to face my anxiety head on (even if it took a while to get to that point). I chose to wait for my body to catch up with my lifestyle change. I am relieved every day that I didn't do it. There are days now, when I cry out for relief from the angst that avoiding a binge causes! I wonder if I can make it! FUCKTHISSHIT! HELP! WHY? IT FUCKING HURTS!
IT FUCKING HURTS! Have you felt the pain I am talking about? It hurts me to not eat dessert sometimes. It hurts to feel my sorrow. It hurts to feel anger, betrayal, hopelessness... But if I don't learn how to NOT use food to cover that up... will it ever leave me? If I lose 150 lbs from gastric bypass will it take the abuse away? Will the past disappear?
Only one thing has worked! FACING IT ALL! FACING ADDICTION, HUNGER, ANXIETY, PAIN, HURT, SORROW, SADNESS, ANGER, RAGE, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR...
I say to you all- we can face this without resorting to surgery! WEFUCKINGCAN!
