Here it is... When I was a child there were literally NO EXCUSES OR REASONS for anything. It is pretty bad that I can trace this straight back to the way I was raised, but the inner demon of self hatred was created by my parents. I remember that when I would do bad in an event (swimming) or bomb an entire swim meet they would not let me give them a reason. The reason they assigned to my "failure" was NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH. Period. Every time. I couldn't be slowed down my a cold, asthma problems, broken fingers or toes... those were not acceptable and they just translated into a lack of effort. You know what? I am applying the same mentality to my weight loss... in my parents' world, the sodium gorge would have just been an excuse- after all if I just worked hard enough the weight would have come off anyway. Although that might be scientifically false... just like having the flu and not performing at a swim meet... it would have been a big failure.
So as I write this I am working on being aware that I am struggling with myself because at some point I adopted those beliefs (however wrong), and now am trying to change them. It is not something easy to change- it was the only thing I knew. I think about how cruel it is to tell a child that they failed when they did their best because the best was not the actual best. They did this everywhere- I was not allowed to take naps because it was lazy. I was not allowed to skip school if I was sick unless the illness required it (chicken pox) because you performed through the flu or you were a failure. THIS IS ONE OF THE ENVIRONMENTS THAT DISABLING PERFECTION IS BORN FROM.
DAMN IT! I have come so far with my issues surrounding my anger and rage towards my parents but sometimes I still have a flash of it. Anyway. I can't travel to where they live and give them both a fat lip and black eye... instead I have to learn to love myself and treat myself well despite what they taught me. I have to allow myself to be loved- no matter how much I weigh. I have to love myself- no matter how fat I am. I have to nurture myself before I reach "perfection" because goals can't be met without care and love for ME. I also have to love myself and not punish myself for not being perfect- I can never be perfect!
Anyway. I think the new pursuit of low sodium will be a positive step for my weight; eventually I will find myself over this obstacle. The sodium thing might have been going on for longer than I can even imagine... I just noticed it with my medication issue a few weeks ago, but have been struggling for almost three months with fluctuations and a bit of a stagnation of weight loss.
You guys have been really supportive (more than ever!) the last couple of days and I cannot tell you how much it means to me, and how much it is helping me get through this!
