In 100 days I will be with them.

The last time I saw my parents was in February of 2005 for my Grandmother's funeral. It was a terrible visit. My dad was extremely distant, and cruel... and my mom rode my ass the whole time about my weight. I think I was around 330ish at the time. We had multiple fights, with a lot of explosive emotion. For a couple of years prior I had been contemplating taking a break from seeing them to protect myself, and this pushed me over the edge. At first I was able to make the excuse that the husband could not travel because of his work, and I did not want to spend holidays without him... then I was able to start telling them straight up that it was best if we did have face to face contact because they could not treat me appropriately because of my weight.

When I started losing weight last year I told them of my efforts. It was not anything in detail because I am very cautious of the boundaries I need to enforce with them. At some point (May) I started talking to them a great deal more... about everything. In some dark moments I called them to reach out for some support as I dealt with my husband giving his mother OUR savings, and the various stressful events since. I have called in my worst moments (yelling, cussing, screaming, panic/rage attack), and they have listened- listened without giving a bunch of advice... they have offered to talk this stuff out with me, and have even expressed empathy for a situation I have little control over.

In the process I have shared some really deep stuff with them, and surprised myself. I have talked it over with my shrink, and she is in full support of it. The thought is that they have finally become secure in who I am, and in the process have finally taken the role of parents of an adult. I go back and forth and sometimes feel some panic to what I have revealed to them, but I am supposed to be working on accepting it. I am working on understanding our new relationship, forgiving the past, and starting to trust them with myself for the first time. These are not huge steps, but little gradual ones.

And I decided to take a trip down to visit them, and my sister. *eeeek!!

It has been coming for a while... I was just not sure when I was going to go ahead with it... I was worried that even though I have lost weight they would still make comments- instead the other day my mother said something close to: you have come so far in the last year, don't let what you have left to lose get you down, let the amazing accomplishments push you forward. After that I knew that I would be able to visit.

I am not deluding myself that there will not be tense moments, or even arguments. The change in them to supportive is what opened the door. The shrink and I are going to be working hard to get me to a balanced place where I allow them trust, but still have some good guarding mechanisms in place. Honestly, I am really excited. I think it will be a time for me to make peace with some of the past, and truly practice forgiveness with them.