Can I address my desire to not be fat anymore? One year's reflections.

October 2009 90 pounds lost

October 2008

The desire to wake up tomorrow, and find that I lost my obesity... it still resides in my daily thoughts. There is something inside me that shouts out "This isn't fucking fair!" and a bit of "Why did it have to be fat!?"... I cannot promise that this will go away anytime soon because it is a burden on my soul.

Peeking out of the corner of my eye today in class I looked at a girl in the row next to me curled up in her chair with enough room to spare... I understand that I will never be a small person, but I have the desire to be able to "curl up" at some point.

I struggle constantly with the feeling of injustice, unfairness- it is something that I am going to have to get over because I am going to have leftovers from the fat for the rest of my life (read: skin). In some ways I am still an eight year old child throwing a fit about something not being fair, or going my way. In another way I am a stubborn adult that doesn't want to take complete ownership over my situation, and is waiting in denial for it to magically disappear. Anyone have a spare genie in a bottle?

It has been a year since I started this weight loss journey... since I have started changing my life. I have done tremendous things that I never thought I would, and I have faced huge fears. I made some weight loss goals- some I met, and some I did not... nothing I can do about the past.

I hope to finish my weight loss journey in this upcoming year- I cannot predict what the future will hold, but I hope that it will include continuous weigh loss through good times, and bad.