The silence here has been for a couple of reasons... the most significant being the amount of stress I was facing as the appointment for my results crept closer. FREE AND CLEAR!! I have "clear margins" which means that the melanoma's fingers did not reach through my flesh to metastasize. What a fucking relief. The flood of emotion from my results peaked as soon as I got into my car- lots of frustrated crying left from putting those feelings on hold while I dealt with everything. The strange release continued into the night, and I had one of the worst overnight eating episodes in a very, very long time. I tried to be forgiving with myself, since this occasion was specifically focused on my mortality, but I was not completely successful. Pre-results I also ate mindlessly, and there are consequences... Like the fact that I now weigh 280 pounds (that was hard to write).
That would make an astounding seven pound gain since the beginning of the month, and the beginning of this cancer scare. It is also a seventeen pound gain from my glorious 100 pound loss in December- I am really struggling with my composure on this one. The feelings of failure are rampant right now, and resemble the ones that I used to have after bingeing for days on end to find that I was even further above the 300 pound mark... what were those emotions?? Shame, self-anger, helplessness... just a few of the rotten ones that do nothing but make the situation worse. No matter how many times I talk to myself about the fact that I faced the biggest trigger of my existence (parents) in December, and then was tried with MELANOMA over the last month... I am still devastated by my actions of turning to food. I understand that most people find any (usually unhealthy) way to cope with the BIG SHIT, but I in my unrealistic pursuit of being a superhuman (aka: perfectionist/type A)... I just haven't learned how to chill out when I need to fuck up.
This all leads me to my next subject... MY GRADES. Staying in the superhuman theme, I have been hammering myself over the fact that my grades have slipped a (tiny, little) bit... (insert type A) I wanted to maintain my usual performance of 4.0.... and I am looking at a 3.2, 3.8, and a 3.9- those are pretty much what I am going to end up with when the quarter ends Mid-March. I have only had two grades (barely) below a 4.0 since beginning school. I know... boowhoo-baby-violin-booboo... this is why I am in therapy folks. I eat in response to a 90% on a test because I am a big failure.
I have much to work on with the Shrink!
Anyway. I have been studying (and eating) quite a bit... as usual I am buried under work... these are two pictures of my new study place- the soft glow of the inside of the coffee shop, and the contrast of the crisp colors of the trees and the sky outside. A peaceful place that I can cram information into my mind!
I hope that I can start fresh, and work on forgiving myself. Forgiveness would look like kindness, and with that kindness I can move on.
Anyway. I have been studying (and eating) quite a bit... as usual I am buried under work... these are two pictures of my new study place- the soft glow of the inside of the coffee shop, and the contrast of the crisp colors of the trees and the sky outside. A peaceful place that I can cram information into my mind!
I hope that I can start fresh, and work on forgiving myself. Forgiveness would look like kindness, and with that kindness I can move on.
