Screaming mad.

As I drug myself out of my last class tonight (9pm), I realized that the last thing on earth I wanted to do was fucking eat. It was one of those moments that I felt so overwhelmed by "the food thing" that a surge of energy pulsed through me, and I had the image in my head of running around the dark parking lot screaming at the top of my lungs. Of course I decided against it, but the agitation persisted... It is one of the reasons I have had such a rough time over the last few weeks:

TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT FUCKING FOOD.

I have had phases of calorie counting insanity where I had to stop, but this is just a place where I feel like I cannot handle the labels that I put on certain foods in my head; it is coming from trying to tweak some more of my disordered eating behavior, and finding that part of what I want to tweak is the time I spend thinking about food- whether it is cake or broccoli. I want to be able to just FUCKING EAT. Since eating used to be a passive aggressive path to suicide for me, I had/have some more work to do on correcting my eating intentions... it just is hard to just do it. I desire only fat/sugar/salt AND EASY. Intellectually I want to eat veggies, whole grains, and fruits...

Anyway. I just barely dug myself out from underneath the textbooks to write tonight. I am having a super-late dinner of talapia/potato/veggies- I am looking forward to sleeping.