Sugar seems to be the problem. I past my thirty days without it and had two experiences where I consumed desert and some of the cravings came back that had faded. Both times I ate dessert in the last week were pretty moderated experiences. My physical reaction to sugar is not what it used to be. It felt a little foreign when I was eating it. Usually I have a bit of a rush when I eat it but both times I did not have this typical reaction. But the last couple of days have brought intense night, sugar cravings. It is hard because when I eat a desert when I am not in a sugar craving I can moderate it quite well but when I am craving it and give into it- well it turns into a binge.
How does one balance that? It is a challenge because I know I can eat desert if I am in the right mind frame, but I don't really want it then. The flip side is that if I am craving it and I give into that then it is all over... I was sitting at the computer looking at recipes to make a cobbler or something with blueberries last night and I realized that if I did bake (or in desperation went out and bought something) that I would be faced with a binge. It kind of sucked.
I am reminded of the addiction part of my food relationship on a daily basis, sometimes though, I find myself rolling around in self-pity. It is not a good state to be in because it actually enhances my desires to binge and be out of control. When I feel this way I am neck-deep self talk that is abusive and cruel. It includes a dig about my body and weight and a hit on how little control I have and that the consequence is not being able to enjoy anything and mostly that I am hopeless and will always be out of control with my food.
Obviously, I am working on this kind of self-talk and abuse but in my darker moments it really gets to me and I find myself struggling with "FUCK IT!" thinking. I don't know if you can relate to "FUCK IT!" thinking, but it is where you throw aside what you have invested in and do whatever the fuck you want because the struggle is too much at the moment. It really is about the moment- usually if I can get through an hour of resisting giving in then I can avoid the fall altogether. I must say though, the anxiety and pull of that hour is overwhelming.
I have thrown the towel in so many times with my eating struggles. Hundreds of times. It is not easy to commit to change and overcome an addiction. It is not about thirty days or one year- it is about a long term, life changing struggle.
I can't fathom giving up on what I have started this time. I have almost six weeks of balanced choices in the "bank" and can rely on some of those to help me along during the challenges that I face.
