Smug won't get you anything but a swift kick in the ass...!

Okay. Last week I did something that backfired this week. I was feeling pretty smug when I posted a four pound lost and mentioned that I had eaten chocolate every day of the week during that time period. I did state that it worked at the time for me... but that was mostly because I was hoping to avoid someone warning me. Being a person with a former issue with sugar I was also trying to convince myself that I had control over the situation-- well, I don't. Not now. 

The chocolate thing was moderated for a couple of months by just eating dark chocolate; I really cannot eat more than a couple of pieces and then I am on overload. I was actually satisfied with this agreement with myself. At some point (I know exactly when it happened... when I was snowed in for almost two weeks I started baking cookies out of boredom) I started having other forms of chocolate beside dark and that is when things started to get shaky. I did balance it for a while... almost two months. Last week I took a step in the wrong direction-- sugared candy... think Sweedish Fish. From there... things went to shit. Really. I was eating the same but with the addition of larger quantities of sugar I was eating a more calories a day and even substituting candy for food. I felt like shit and couldn't get out of the funk of sugar crashing and feeling blah. 

I didn't even think I was smug until about ten minutes ago when I came to realize what my intention was behind posting that information. I am glad that I shared what I was doing but I am actually sorry that I did it in the way I did. I have internal conflict with the purist approach to eating and sometimes I feel a bit rebellious and want to say "See! It doesn't have to be such a battle!" Well, seven swift kicks in the ass later- I want to say that some rules can be helpful. I am not a purist at heart and cannot go to the extremes of a rigid plan but my previous commitment to only eat dark chocolate will have to be reinstated because I cannot handle anything else. 

I hope you all will accept my apology that I had some SMUGGINESS behind what I posted and that as soon as I realized it I knew I needed to clear the air (mostly with myself). There should be a warning label for me somewhere: 

WARNING: YOU DON'T HAVE CONTROL IF YOU ARE FEELING SMUG!

Challenges.

I am having a pretty tough sixth week. It is not a catastrophe, but I am really feeling the challenges of the long term changes I am making. 

Sugar seems to be the problem. I past my thirty days without it and had two experiences where I consumed desert and some of the cravings came back that had faded. Both times I ate dessert in the last week were pretty moderated experiences. My physical reaction to sugar is not what it used to be. It felt a little foreign when I was eating it. Usually I have a bit of a rush when I eat it but both times I did not have this typical reaction. But the last couple of days have brought intense night, sugar cravings. It is hard because when I eat a desert when I am not in a sugar craving I can moderate it quite well but when I am craving it and give into it- well it turns into a binge.

How does one balance that? It is a challenge because I know I can eat desert if I am in the right mind frame, but I don't really want it then. The flip side is that if I am craving it and I give into that then it is all over... I was sitting at the computer looking at recipes to make a cobbler or something with blueberries last night and I realized that if I did bake (or in desperation went out and bought something) that I would be faced with a binge. It kind of sucked. 

I am reminded of the addiction part of my food relationship on a daily basis, sometimes though, I find myself rolling around in self-pity. It is not a good state to be in because it actually enhances my desires to binge and be out of control. When I feel this way I am neck-deep self talk that is abusive and cruel. It includes a dig about my body and weight and a hit on how little control I have and that the consequence is not being able to enjoy anything and mostly that I am hopeless and will always be out of control with my food. 

Obviously, I am working on this kind of self-talk and abuse but in my darker moments it really gets to me and I find myself struggling with "FUCK IT!" thinking. I don't know if you can relate to "FUCK IT!" thinking, but it is where you throw aside what you have invested in and do whatever the fuck you want because the struggle is too much at the moment. It really is about the moment- usually if I can get through an hour of resisting giving in then I can avoid the fall altogether. I must say though, the anxiety and pull of that hour is overwhelming. 

I have thrown the towel in so many times with my eating struggles. Hundreds of times. It is not easy to commit to change and overcome an addiction. It is not about thirty days or one year- it is about a long term, life changing struggle. 

I can't fathom giving up on what I have started this time. I have almost six weeks of balanced choices in the "bank" and can rely on some of those to help me along during the challenges that I face.