I have just finished another encounter with a FAT ANNOUNCER! I wanted to praise this man for opening my eyes to the fact that I am fat. Before today I was completely unaware that I had anything but a slender, athletic, stick-like body.
I really wanted to focus in on his technique... it was so original and creative. When he came around the corner as a passenger in a teal mini-van and encouraged the driver to not only stop but roll down the window, I knew I was in for a life- changing event. The whistling and cat calls were average but what really sealed the deal was THAT HE TOOK A PICTURE OF ME WITH HIS CELL PHONE and then let me know that I was a fatass.
As you can see, general public, this man changed my life. Today I am happier and fuller, knowing for the first time that I am fat. If it were not for this man, I might have never discovered the true nature of my body composition. I encourage each of you to also roll down your windows and tell people they are fat too. Really, it can change someone's life.
If you decide to become a FAT ANNOUNCER, remember that you are just doing fatties everywhere a favor by telling them they are fat. If you ever feel any twinge of remorse or guilt just keep these helpful tips in your purse or wallet and you can psyche yourself back up:
* Fatties don't know they are fat. It is the job of any caring human being to inform them. Don't assume they know they are fat or that someone else has told them- always let it be the first time, every time.
* It is best to do tell a fatty that they are fat from the security of your car. It is a safeguard against angry husbands and nasty pit-bulls. It also puts a protective bubble around you and allows for quick escape.
*Don't hold back on what you say, after all, fatties are lazy-good-for-nothing-ignorant-pigs! Insulting them is just part of the risk they take by being fat. Using words like PIG, FATASS, DISGUSTING BITCH AND BEAST can really up the effectiveness of your message. Also making vomiting noises, pig grunts and taking pictures can really add flair to your performance.
*If you have any doubts about who is a fatty and who isn't- just go for it! Hey! It can't hurt! Most people could stand to lose a couple of pounds anyway! Just remember, if there is any evidence of fatness- IT IS A GO!
*Surround yourself with insecure people. If you are not able to be in a car, at least you will have the backup security of a group of people who will laugh and maybe even join in! There is nothing more enlightening to a fatty than a whole group of people telling them they are fat!
As you can see, I have become a reformed fatty. A FAT ANNOUNCER changed my life. Today, after my encounter with reality, I went home and exercised for five hours and ate nothing the rest of the day. I plan on eating carrot sticks and fat-free cottage cheese until I reach an acceptable weight, even if it causes my death... I will make sure I keep up the momentum by becoming my own FAT ANNOUNCER and telling myself how disgusting and sub-human I am, every day.
With my deepest regards,
Losing Waist!/fatass
