Less than 24.

This morning was rough as I sat down to reflect on what happened yesterday afternoon. After I wrote a quick post yesterday, I found myself curled up in bed and caring not what the rest of the day went like. I was feeling like shit and decided (even after recognizing that I wanted to) to kind of eat the rest of the day away. I did too... I had three pieces of pizza for lunch, then a snack of mint/chocolate candy and chips and then finished the night with two pieces of pizza, more chocolate and chips and some juice. It is not as much as I used to be able to eat but I really just kind of temporarily abandoned all of the care I have been giving myself. At eleven, last night, I realized I had not eaten any veggies and made an emergency cabbage salad to even out some of the lack of fiber in my day. It was not a good afternoon and the evening was worse AND I felt like shit after eating all of the fat/starch/sugar/calories. 

Whatever. It was done last night and I really planned to keep it that way but I woke up and kind of started the same motions again. I ate my usual raisin bran and then added some chocolate and a piece of pizza a few hours later (besides ordering the pizza, it is kind of a long, boring story how all of the shit ended up in our house but both my husband and I contributed to it). At some point this morning I ended up with some pretty bad anxiety over the situation around my weight and my progress. I cried and resolved to clean up and get my shit together (RIGHT THEN, AT THAT VERY MOMENT). 

To get back on track I decided to get to the gym and get a plan for dinner together so I could feel like I had some stability back. We did go to the gym within the hour and stopped at the grocery store after to pick up some things to make a huge pot of soup. I felt more in control almost immediately after we got done at the gym. I also felt like I had accomplished something in turning my day around, right in the middle of it. Usually, when I fuck up, I at least finish out the day in the same fashion (and sometimes the week, month, year...) and really take the binge to the next level. Today I stopped the crappy eating and resolved to finish the day in a way that would set me up for success tomorrow. 

The panic I felt today was because I lost control yesterday and almost went into a second day of problems (as in over twenty-four hours...). I have been able to consistently get it back together before even twelve hours since I started to work on my weight again and today I felt like I might spin out of control for a longer period of time. I want to avoid the "FUCK IT" attitude I have used for so long. I really don't feel that way and I want to save myself from the road of pain and misery I have been on. For the first time in my life I feel like I want something different besides food. I want to live a long life and I want to live and adventurous, active life. Using "FUCK IT" only got me weight gain and inactivity. 

PHEW! I feel more balanced tonight. I am going to have to be careful over the next two days because my asthma is acting up along with my allergies because of this terrible cold we are having. I want to make sure I am taking care not to end up really sick!

If you don't mind taking a minute, I would love to hear about how you get back on track when you have a fall...