For instance... I bought a pack of bakery cookies today, planning on consuming at least ten of them, and just ate three. I was satisfied. I was actually satisfied at two and ate the third in rebellion and realized I had gone far enough. My satisfaction button is so much easier to push. I am trying to explain this so everyone can understand- the boost I used to get from eating a pint of ice cream, soda and pizza, is now done and over by the end of two cookies... WTF? It is significant enough that I need to say it "WHAT THE FUCK?" Since when have two cookies done any good? Well, since my discovery today. It is like I have moved a little in the direction of being more of a moderate eater. If I had lived the last twenty years only eating two or three cookies during a binge... I wouldn't be talking to you guys right now. I might be a bit overweight but I would never have gained 200 pounds (and lost fifty and gained forty and lost twenty and gained sixty and lost thirty and gained fifteen- you get it).
Anyway. I did my best to binge and my best doesn't seem to be good enough anymore (in a really victorious way) and I am FUCKINGPLEASED. I know that my binge days are not over, because I still have a questionable relationship with cereal. I also know that as soon as I declare "cured" (which I am not) I go down in flames. I just seem to have cleared a hurdle.
Today was a FUCKINGMESS. I got in a rather tense text war with my husband (one sided, of course, his phone was off) and then blew up and then cried and then pissed him off (finally) and then realized I was being a complete lunatic and cried and felt really bad about how I was acting. He drove home today, after I had pissed him off and so my imagination ran wild (ready for this?) and I was completely worried the whole time that I had made him so mad that he would be too distracted to pay attention while driving and would get in a car accident and be critically injured or die and it would be all my fault and I would hate myself forever because I had caused it all. None of this happened and he arrived home safe and all of it is over.
When I realized how nutty I was being, I decided to go to the gym to blow off some steam before my husband got home so I could deal with everything better. It really worked and I gave myself a pat on the back for coping with my issues today by hitting the gym (and then later attempted the cookie binge). I did get the pressure valve released and felt much better.
When I did attempt the great cookie binge I had one of those surreal moments where I realized I was buying them because that is what I always do when I lose my cool. It is a HABIT. I was kind of left out in the cold without the binge. I didn't need it but something in me wanted to repeat old patterns because they are familiar and I couldn't believe that the gym had done what I needed it to. "That has never worked before so why would it now, I need the binge or I can't get through this without exploding." Well, I guess I can.
BABYSTEPSMUTHERFUCKER! Hopefully I can look back on today next time I am losing it and remember that I have coping skills that DON'T have to include a binge!
