*Blegh!*

That was my disgusted noise. Over the last 36 hours I have written 4 half-post and gotten flabbergasted and frustrated and saved them. I have been struggling with myself and going through the motions of attempting to binge and not being able to do it. Really. I tried. 

For instance... I bought a pack of bakery cookies today, planning on consuming at least ten of them, and just ate three. I was satisfied. I was actually satisfied at two and ate the third in rebellion and realized I had gone far enough. My satisfaction button is so much easier to push. I am trying to explain this so everyone can understand- the boost I used to get from eating a pint of ice cream, soda and pizza, is now done and over by the end of two cookies... WTF? It is significant enough that I need to say it "WHAT THE FUCK?" Since when have two cookies done any good? Well, since my discovery today. It is like I have moved a little in the direction of being more of a moderate eater. If I had lived the last twenty years only eating two or three cookies during a binge... I wouldn't be talking to you guys right now. I might be a bit overweight but I would never have gained 200 pounds (and lost fifty and gained forty and lost twenty and gained sixty and lost thirty and gained fifteen- you get it). 

Anyway. I did my best to binge and my best doesn't seem to be good enough anymore (in a really victorious way) and I am FUCKINGPLEASED. I know that my binge days are not over, because I still have a questionable relationship with cereal. I also know that as soon as I declare "cured" (which I am not) I go down in flames.  I just seem to have cleared a hurdle. 

Today was a FUCKINGMESS. I got in a rather tense text war with my husband (one sided, of course, his phone was off) and then blew up and then cried and then pissed him off (finally) and then realized I was being a complete lunatic and cried and felt really bad about how I was acting. He drove home today, after I had pissed him off and so my imagination ran wild (ready for this?) and I was completely worried the whole time that I had made him so mad that he would be too distracted to pay attention while driving and would get in a car accident and be critically injured or die and it would be all my fault and I would hate myself forever because I had caused it all. None of this happened and he arrived home safe and all of it is over. 

When I realized how nutty I was being, I decided to go to the gym to blow off some steam before my husband got home so I could deal with everything better. It really worked and I gave myself a pat on the back for coping with my issues today by hitting the gym (and then later attempted the cookie binge). I did get the pressure valve released and felt much better. 

When I did attempt the great cookie binge I had one of those surreal moments where I realized I was buying them because that is what I always do when I lose my cool. It is a HABIT. I was kind of left out in the cold without the binge. I didn't need it but something in me wanted to repeat old patterns because they are familiar and I couldn't believe that the gym had done what I needed it to. "That has never worked before so why would it now, I need the binge or I can't get through this without exploding." Well, I guess I can. 

BABYSTEPSMUTHERFUCKER! Hopefully I can look back on today next time I am losing it and remember that I have coping skills that DON'T have to include a binge! 

No School. Counting Calories. Do it!

My first day of school is officially canceled! The sheriff (who is in charge of the management of the emergency crews (Spokane County declared a state of emergency last week)) recommended that schools not open tomorrow. That means that my first day is delayed at least for tomorrow; probably Tuesday also. It doesn't make a difference to me except I get to avoid- I am making a list of what I get to avoid! 

PRESENTING THE LIST OF WHAT I GET TO AVOID FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER DAY:

1. The feeling of being a decade older than most of the students in the 101 classes I am taking...

2. Walking across the icy tundra that is the parking lot and campus.

3. Trying to take my homemade latte in the travel cup with me in the car (visual: large brown stain on boob shelf). 

4. Finding the classrooms.

5. Parking in the wrong spot (specifically FACULTY PARKING) and possibly getting towed.

6. Oh yeah, not all of my books have come in yet. 

Anyway. I am feeling pretty excited that I get to tap into the avoidant part of my personality for at least another day. Ha!

In other news...

I have been counting my calories the past couple of days because I made a tally, Monday, of just my morning caloric consumption and almost had a stroke. I found out I was eating a lot more calories before noon than I originally thought. The calorie counting is pretty depressing to me and because I stack up most of my excessive calories through snacks. Not a big deal but it is a nice check up during the beginning of my fourth month of weight loss. I think I will probably count them until Monday and then stop again. I want to get a handle on a moderate balance between my snacks that I need and the snacks that I want. 

Oh, I just had a thought- Some of you out there have been writing about the need to see a shrink. All I have to say is DO IT! If you feel like you need to then you probably should. Going to a shrink doesn't mean that you are signing up to be a lifelong mental patient (pointing no fingers at myself there) but it just means you need some help presently. I have a shrink that I have been seeing since June that has helped me in ways that no other therapist ever has (there have been a few, my friends). It is a third- party, trained professional- who is getting paid to help! It is awesome! I usually see my therapist once a week, although I have not seen her in three, due to the fact that her office is on a hill that I cannot drive up when it has snowed and iced like it has. Anyway. Don't be afraid! See a shrink! 

Weight Loss Update.

SO! I had my little mini- goal and I did not meet it BUT I AM PRETTY EXCITED BECAUSE I LOST FIVE POUNDS THIS WEEK... It is like I psyched myself out... Work really hard for a really hard goal and don't make it BUT kick some serious ass in the process! I am thrilled at five pounds and celebrating losing over forty pounds total! 

I took a break from working out (gym or snow shoveling) to let my body heal. Everything was hurting yesterday morning! Before the mutherfucking snow dump happened I was working out three or four days a week. Things have changed for me and now I am interested in working out almost every day and doing strength training too. I had some hang- ups about doing weights but now that I have started the shoveling I want to continue to get stronger in my arms, back and stomach. I guess after all of the snow bitching I have to thank the snow for motivating me to work out more and get other parts of my body into shape that were not getting attention on the cardio machines. I also have started splitting my time between the elliptical and the rowing machine and I am able to do even more cardio... I am actually kind of excited for my new found desire to get strong along with my weight loss! 

Yesterday I went to the student disability center and talked to one of the counselors and got everything set up to have a desk and separate chair put in the classes I am taking. It was kind of terrible but at the same time a HUGE relief to get it taken care of and to know that I don't have to continue the anxiety over fitting into my classes. I still have the general anxiety over the public reaction to my weight (that is why I have a therapist, among other reasons) but little baby steps... I am going to make a goal around fitting into the single desk/chair units by maybe fall or winter quarter of the next school year. 

My husband has today and tomorrow off and I don't usually eat as well when he is off. I want to make sure I keep up the veggies and fruit and not falter in my resolve to eat and cook well just because he is off! We feed off of each other and I end up not cooking as much or ordering in food and that is not always the best option because it triggers me to associate his days off with eating bad. RESOLVE!

Have I thanked all of you guys for the fantastic, amazing, empowering support you have given me? It is like a big love festival and I love it! I hope I can return the encouragement to each one of you! It is awesome to spew out my anxieties and have people support me. Thank you so much. I feel like we have a little community- and it is growing! 

The 320's are killing me!

Lingering in the 320's for the last three weeks (soon to be four) is getting to me... what is it about this stage that is tripping me up? I know I am not going to be losing tons of weight every week, all the time but I would like to get through this stage sooner than later...

So, I am making a goal to get to 319 by the new year. It would just make me feel better. Sometimes it is just about numbers... But most of the time it is about more. 

Now, I know that might be a lot to set for a goal but I have done it before and I can do it again. I also will make the disclaimer that if I don't make it, I won't let it ruin my progress. I just need a little push...

DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO POST WITHOUT MENTIONING THE MUTHERFUCKINGSNOWSHOVELINGEXTRAVAGANZA?

NO! Today, I did 1.5 hours of hellish business. When I talk about snow shoveling- I am not referring to frolicking in the snow. I am talking about moving tons of snow into large banks, cutting banks back and relocating them, pulling snow off of the roof in huge chunks and then moving it into banks and clearing our enormous driveway. Stages of Change referred to me as a Cyborg (or Cyclops) and I might have to agree. I feel pretty powerful right now. I might be fucked up from lactic acid or wondering if I have sudden onset arthritis in my hands and wrists but I have kicking some snow ass! Seriously.

I am burning a ton of calories and working some muscles besides the usual (the ones I use on the elliptical). I am also pushing myself to some new limits, without hurting myself and it is making me feel good (and pretty fucking bitter because the snow won't stop coming). 

Tomorrow's level of fun is going to increase when we clear the roof and separate garage of more than three feet of snow accumulation. It is not as simple as just pushing the snow off the roof because once that is done the white, fluffy stuff has to be moved again.  I just cannot tell you how much snow we are facing tomorrow. More snow is on the way and it is going to be the heavier kind that comes with higher temperatures (yeah, high like 25-30 degrees). There is a lot of concern for those with roofs that aren't at a sharp angle and that are older because the weight can cause them to buckle or collapse. 

My eating is going okay. I am having trouble preparing/making meals after I shovel and also having trouble focusing on good, wholesome foods. I have tapered off in my fruit and veggie consumption in the last two days. I am going to try to turn that around tomorrow. 

The food changes and weight loss never seems to become second nature. There are always changes and challenges and small adjustments that take place to keep things going in the right direction. I feel that it is pretty all-consuming right now. I am not down about it but feel like I always have to be on my toes, watching and being aware of what I am doing. Just a reflection.

Nighty Night!

My Waist. Progress. Hang ups.

One of the biggest struggles I have faced with my body image is my waist/stomach. It is an area of my body that I have experienced a lot of shame and heartache over. I guess I related femininity to having a small waist from an early age. I know my parents picked at my tendency to carry more weight in my stomach pretty early on and I think it made me extra sensitive to it. It was the first place that excess fat showed up on my body (for those of you who have not read way back in my posts, I was a nationally ranked swimmer and my weight was monitored by public weigh- ins and broadcasted) and everyone was a critic including my parents and swim coaches and even other parents of swimmers. Whatever... just a history. 

As I have aged and gained weight I have gotten a little insane about my torso- to the point that my skin crawls if it is touched- even my by my husband (and yes, people think it is cute to poke at my stomach or try to tickle me or grab me around the waist). I am trying to work on it little by little with him and with aide from my shrink. 

The point of my post is that I have been a little frustrated (irrationally so) at how the inches are not dropping all off of my waist as I lose weight. The expectation that it will all come off of my waist is crazy but I don't always think rationally. I saw the inches come off of my back and breasts (*sigh) almost immediately but not my waist... until tonight. 

I think I have lost around four or five inches off my waist and I am very pleased. !!BUT!! I want to make sure I don't get upset in the future if I don't see the amount I think that I should come off in my waist measurements. I don't want to get obsessed with things that I cannot control because I don't want to work myself into a binge with negative, irrational self talk. You know the kind... Wow, I have not lost very many inches in my waist. I am doomed to have a huge gut for the rest of my life and I will always look terrible. Everyone has done it to themselves but I am trying to do it less and eventually, not at all. 

Oh, I am giving myself a pat on the back for posting a picture of my ZONE OF SHAME. I have never taken a picture of this area by itself and I have certainly never taken a picture so I could show it to others. Pat. Pat. Releasing some tension about some areas of sensitivity is a step by baby step process. 

Progress. Week Five Update.

UGH! Week five was tough! I went through a lot this week; my husband and I had a fairly tense week and he also went down to visit his father in Lewiston, Idaho. His father is sick with lung and colon cancer. So, we struggled this week to see eye to eye on everything and it made it hard that he has been sad and stressed out about his father. 

We also attended a "November 1st Halloween Party"... I didn't dress up- here is a picture of my Halloween effort compared to my friend's. Still had fun though! The challenge was the food- since I have been on a rather steady diet of lean meats, veggies, whole grains and fruits... Well, lets just say that the dinner of pigs in a blanket, pizza, chips and dip and alcohol didn't really agree with me. I also did some drinking which gave my system quite a shock.

 The moral of the story is I ate moderately with food of questionable content and drank sugared, tasty, alcoholic beverages and the combination made me sick about six hours later and I ended up vomiting in the early hours of the next morning. I am not one to get sick from drinking, so I am pretty sure it was the whole combination of food and drinks my system is not used to now. 

I don't regret eating the food but I must remember in the future to only have a couple of small items and not have an entire dinner of that kind of food. I think that eating a small and nutritious dinner before hand and enjoying a couple of snacks during the evening might keep me from having a repeat. I mean, lets face it... pizza and sausage taste good! 

This morning I weighed in and found that I was about a 1/2 pound down from last week. I want to say ONLY a 1/2 pound but I don't feel bad about it at all. I am pretty sure that my body is dehydrated and retaining water from my vomiting yesterday morning. In the past I might have freaked out about something like only losing a 1/2 pound- either way (if I hit a plateau and only lost a 1/2 pound or if I lost more but my system is in shock) I am okay with the situation.  

Part of becoming changing my relationship with food is changing how I feel about weight loss and my body. When I got off the scale this morning I thought...

1. I have lost twenty-five pounds in thirty-five days!

2. I have not binged in thirty-five days! 

3. I feel great about the changes I have made!

4. I am strong and am changing the way I think about things and I am beautiful and strong the way I am even if I never lose another pound! 

5. I am going to stay strong and continue practicing balance in my life. 

I feel pretty fucking good today. I feel better about myself than I have in years! I want to keep on pressing forward and kicking ass. I want to be better than yesterday, everyday, even if it is just a tiny, baby step!