EASIER. EASIER. IT IS EASIER TO BE FAT. IT IS EASIER TO STAY FAT. AVOIDING CHANGE IS EASIER. EASIER. EASIER.
I used to resist the idea that staying fat is easier. I would cry about how being fat was so hard. BUT NOW I KNOW THAT IT IS EASIER TO BE FAT. Being fat has been the easier road for me-
When I say that being fat is easier... it definitely doesn't mean that fat is not painful, heartbreaking, terrible, and the cause of the aching of my soul. BUT LET ME JUST SAY THAT CHOOSING TO FACE WHAT MADE/MAKES ME FAT IS FUCKING HARD. Humans are resistant to change by nature, even if the change is for the better. When I am faced with my challenges it goes against every bit of my being to get through the anxiety. When I am in a heightened moment of emotion, it doesn't feel good, or even right to continue to peck away at the pain inside. It isn't easy to be hungry. It isn't easy to resist sugar and salt. It isn't easy to cook every day. It isn't easy to say NO. It isn't easy to say YES. Some days I would rather lay in bed all day, and avoid the gym. Walking from the car to the gym is the hardest walk of my life, everyday I go to the gym. The scale is my enemy, and hardest opponent to face. The painful and abusive childhood I had is easier to leave behind because it is hard to face now as an adult. It is hard to face the fear of dealing with my issues without the aid of food. It is not easy to face my issues naked, without the cover of food (drugs). I am scared of being without my weight because it is easy to NOT have to face life under the excuse of being morbidly obese. It is easy to let my goals and expectations fade into the horizon because my weight holds me back. It is easy to continue to exist in the state I am in, and especially the state that I was.
Now maybe you may understand a little more about the EASY factor. THE POINT IS- THIS IS FUCKING HARD, AND I WELCOME HARD. In the end this may be hard, and my old way may be easier... but I need to be free. I need freedom from this lifestyle, body, and pain... I need to fly free from the weight of my weight.
Onto a rather delicate subject... A blog is not going to cause life change. A diet program is not going to fix the issue. A new book is not going to be the answer. A personal trainer, or any person is not going to be the answer. We cannot depend on something else to change us. WE HAVE TO CHANGE, OR START THE CHANGE, AND THEN INCORPORATE THE TOOLS. I think that is why the failure of the "diet industry" is so significant! Everyone wants to have something that will change them, and not be the source of their own change. I am not saying that I am the master of change (especially after the troubles of the last two months)... but I do know that this blog is just another tool that I can use to help me along the way. It is working for now, but may not later... just the way that somethings work sometimes, and may need to be adjusted later.
I see a lot of bloggers come and go-- and I have only been doing this since October! I think that it is something people turn to in the hopes of getting a magic fix... in reality, a blog is like a glorified diary, that talks back to you!
Anyway. I have twelve glorious days of break from school ahead. I have plans to workout, read a book or two (school fries my brain enough to stifle my natural desire to read), take the dogs to the dog park many times, cook, and clean this dirty house! OOOOHHH! And of course- read and read and read blogs... and do some serious posting.
