This is being discussed because I had an incident last night- the husband and I had a long talk, and I got really frustrated that ended in me crying for about an hour after. I crashed hard around midnight, but when I woke up this morning I realized I had eaten sometime the night before because my dishes were in front of the computer this morning. Boo. It is funny because I remember measuring it out, but not tasting it, or really what I looked at on the computer while I was eating. Eight ounces of soda, 2 cups of cereal, 2 cups of milk, and two 200 calorie bars of chocolate. Fantastic. There is a chunk of crappy calories for me to add to my day.
I worry about sleeping with sugar- laden teeth more than anything. An extra thousand-ish calories isn't the end of the world (really, we have all faced calories). I just feel grumpy because I ate in the middle of the night. The shitty tasting mouth in the morning, the frustration, the realization that I was pretty upset with my husband... Just fucking grumpy. It is pretty hard to wake up after that kind of sugar-shitfest too. I wonder if I ate at night before I started working on stuff because I was in such a state of pure self-loathing... or so angry at life??
In an attempt to move on from the incident- I thought a lot about the last time I was this weight. I was living with the husband (before he was the husband), in Portland/Oregon, and I think I pretty much blew right past 285 on my way up past 300. I might have been in the range for a month, but I gained 75 pounds in the first year that we lived together. I think it might have been September/October of 2004. I had just finished a terrible ordeal with the company I worked for, and most of the food intake was from the stress/shame from that situation, and adjusting to living with a 26 year old man who ate for his height of 6ft4in. Yeah. It was done after that... my body image issues amplified! I felt like there was a ledge I had fallen off of, or a line I had crossed. It was also when my issues with bulimia started showing up on a regular basis... the usual instead of a regular habit.
The thoughts of this time period are not full of regret, or guilt, or shame- but now just a part of the process it took to get to a place where I wanted to change. I remember another time when I was in a shrink's office listening to him tell me that I might not be at my rock bottom, and that I may have more weight to gain. I almost lost my shit in that office because I thought 222 pounds was bad!! I was 22 years old seeking help for my "obesity"... ah, how I didn't even know. I was so mean to myself then- seven years later I look at pictures of myself at that weight and just wish I had the knowledge then that I do now. I should have been kinder, and gentler with myself because the amount of anger, hate, and disgust did not help ANYTHING. It really didn't help anything at 250, 300, or 365.
So, I am over last night. Today was a new day, and I did amazing things for myself at the gym. I felt the power of my body after working out for ten months, and I am excited to spend another ten months working out- to see where my body will be then!!!
