This past weekend was my ten-year high school reunion. I did not go.
When the invitation came in May, I knew right away that I would refuse. The weight loss had started, but my progress was not where I wanted it to be. Now some of you may realize that many people gain weight after high school, but the people that I graduated with have not. I went to a private school (crazy- fundamentalist/legalistic, and I will leave it at that), and if there have been any changes to the general physique of my class, it has been shrinking. I was the fattest in the class, and also in the school (250 at 5ft9in). Anyway. Fast forward ten years, and I am fatter than I was in high school (I graduated at 19).
So I refused the invite to the reunion, and actually had great reasons not to go (it is fucking expensive to travel back to Florida AND the husband couldn't get it off AND I might have had to miss class), but it was not the real reason. I didn't go because I am fucking ashamed of my weight, even now after how much I have lost. Even in my pursuit to love myself NOW, I have not come far enough to make that kind of plunge. When I rejected the invite... the reality of how much I have missed came bubbling up.
I have turned down trips, adventures, friendships, lost friends, hid from people in my past, socially isolated myself, hid from life, on and on and on. When I RSVP'd my regrets I told myself... "this is never going to happen again, and I am going to lose this fuckingweight so I can move on with living my life!"...
The list of NEVER AGAIN things is pages long... like last year when I "grew" out of the regular (kind of fashionable) plus size Establishments. To go to (fucking) Lane Bryant- AND NOT FIT IN ANYTHING EXCEPT THE GRANNY PANTIES... Well, I know some of you can relate to that, and others can only imagine. When I had to go to student disabilities in January to get a special desk because I was too fat to fit into the desk/chair single units? During that conversation I almost died... maybe part of me did. NEVERFUCKINGAGAIN.
Like I said, I could go on for days about these events. Whenever one creeps up on me (like the reunion) it renews my commitment to see this shit through. I may not lose everything in under a year, but I would like to reach my goals, and FUCKING MOVE ON. STOP HIDING. NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING MADE FUN OF. NOT GET A ASSHAT LECTURE FROM EVERY DOCTOR I MEET. HOLD MY HEAD UP. FIT IN EVERYSINGLE CHAIR I MEET. FLY ON AIRPLANES WITHOUT USING VALIUM BECAUSE I AM WORRIED ABOUT THE POOR FUCK SITTING NEXT TO ME BEING SMASHED. SAYING GOODBYE TO PLUS SIZE. MAKING FRIENDS WHO WEAR BIKINIS, AND GOING TO THE BEACH WITH THEM. NOT BEING PARANOID THAT I AM BEING JUDGED BECAUSE OF MY SIZE. Can you add a few??
NEVER AGAIN!!
