Do you ever catch yourself in a reflection on accident? Do you ever catch yourself in a reflection, and freak the fuck out because you have been suddenly grounded in reality? Do you ever catch yourself in a reflection, and suddenly feel like you are the fattest fuck on earth (and if you ever see yourself in a reflection again you might run away screaming and tearing out your hair)?
Now all of my friends do not despair- I am aware that this is completely cruel thinking, but unfortunately it pops up from time to time (reason #345 to be in therapy). It is just hard sometimes because I have come so far, but have so much more to go. It sucks to be FUCKINGFATSTILL. I still want to throw a big temper-tantrum... because it sometimes feels so hopeless, overwhelming, and beyond my capability.
There is so much more that I have to work on emotionally. When I caught my reflection today in the glass while riding on an escalator, I couldn't keep those "voices" quiet. I have come a long way from the past, but occasionally they sneak up on me. I feel defeated tonight.
When I wake up tomorrow morning I will not feel defeated anymore, so I will let these emotions run their course. The cost of denying the truth that I am still very obese will only slow my progress, but I don't need to freak out during this process. I don't know about you, but sometimes I dream that I will just wake up and not hate the "size" of myself (no matter what it is) one day. It hurts deeply to feel like a cumbersome, attention grabbing giant because all I want to be is less. Being obese, fat, etc. is a huge burden on my soul...
Alright, until a better tomorrow.
