For years, and years, and years my struggles with body image have fluctuate between different zones... always the torso, but other areas give me fits at different times. I have also found myself contemplating how I should present myself, what level of "done up" for each situation (thanks mom). Even at home I sometimes wonder what the fancy jersey-cotton get ups do to my husband, especially now that I have some tshirts and sweats/shorts left from when I was at my largest- those cannot be flattering in ANY light!
The point is that my focus has narrowed into my dark circles under my eyes, the texture of my hair, and of the oldest friend, body size. These three things will just not quit! Obviously the texture of my hair is NOT EVER going to naturally change (and I stopped dying my hair in 2005, so that includes perms), and I am pretty sure that my circles are here to stay. So I am left with my body size... hmmm... the gift that keeps on giving for me. On my way up the scale numbers my body expands, and on the way down it shrinks into sagbags... it is really, really hard to work on this aspect of me. I faithfully go to therapy, and have worked on this shit for years. Years! My confidence has skyrocketed in the past year, but mostly from my new found faith in myself. I know I am a MUTHERFUCKINGASSKICKINGTEETHGNASHINGBITCH, but that has come from the strength I have inside, and my mind. The feelings about my "shell" are challenged every day.
The hope was always... when I lose weight I will feel better about my body, but not until then...
I have thought that since I started really gaining weight at the age of 16, but now I know that my body image is going to change when I come to a place of forgiveness with myself for all of the years of abuse I heaped onto myself. I am resentful towards ME for what I did (really?? you couldn't have...... instead?) with food.
I want to work on forgiving myself for furthering the abuse, and hurting myself with food, and in the process come to a more peaceful place with my body image.
