Dear Self... What is this all for? Is it worth it? (a little challenge for YOU at the end)

You have not hit the gym in four weeks since school started (and NO once does not count). Your eating is off, and you are struggling with eating during the day, and sometimes too tired (or busy) to make food at night. Your fiber levels are inconsistent, at best- it needs to be very consistent to counteract the side effect of one of your meds. Because of the medicine, and your fiber fluctuations you only shit on the weekends (sorry reading friends), and if you are lucky... a bonus shit on Friday. You only get about five or six hours a week outside, and sunlight only if it isn't cloudy. Your eyes burn from the fetal pigs stored in the labs, and your clothes may or may not smell like it when you get home. Your tan from those long summer walks is fading fast, and your dogs are hyper because they don't get to have those walks anymore. Is it all worth it? What is this for??

There are days when I have to work at keeping my momentum going. There are days when I am so tired that I can barely put food in my mouth, and everything tastes like shit. I only want instant energy those days... there is none left for anything else.

Here is the deal. This is my dream. Going to school is just a part of it, but it really is the whole of what I am doing right now. I struggled in school (ALL of school, every year). When my parents had a better handle on controlling me during my childhood, until around 6th grade, they structured my life around the best grades and swimming they could push out of me. It happened to be great grades, and superior swimming, but at the cost of my emotional development. I fought them the whole way- there comes a time when parents have less of a hand in forcing performance out of a child, and the child either takes over, or drops the ball. I was still fighting, and decided to throw the ball back in their face. I failed the ninth grade because I skipped class, and got kicked off my swim team. I almost failed the second year of ninth grade, and then the summer remedial after that... by the time I graduated high school I had spent five years in high school, and was done. I failed out college pretty quick...

I have always known I was intelligent, and figured I got most of my smarts from genetics, and all of the reading I did instead of homework. When I decided to go back to school last year I made a goal of getting above average grades because I knew I could commit the time to studying to get those. I never made the goal to get the best, and almost perfect grades. Something changed though... In January, towards the end, I got my first paper back in English- 100% (yes I can write in a more formal, correct, intelligent way- don't judge). English was the scariest class I ever thought I would take, and BAM! just like that- it was like a light went off in my head. If I can do this... what else can I do? What about math? all of the bazillion science classes? How about a 4.0???? Done.

Everyday I wake up (for the last four quarters), and decide I am going to continue kicking some fucking ass. I failed miserably at being good at anything- Oh! I was good at gaining weight, but nothing else. It gives me such a high, a confidence boost, a new glimpse at my identity, my talent, etc. to see those kind of grades every day, week, month. It feels like I am okay on the inside. I want to wake up and face the day, and I have hope for my future for the first time, EVER.

Slowly I am learning patience with myself. I may not be losing weight fast, but I am empowered to keep it going, and fight like hell to keep the losing process going. I will not maintain (for now), and I will not gain. I will have patience though! I can kick-ass in every place in my life, some just are slower than others. The school thing is going SO good, and the weight thing is going pretty well (can we throw the husband work in the good category at some point?)...

It feels good to do something well, the best- no matter what it is. So...

I would love to hear about YOUR fuckingasskickershit. Where do you OWN it?!

It can be in any arena... are you the best mother, wife, father? Do you do amazing things on the treadmill? Are you the most creative crafter ever? Is your budgeting like steel, and you can make $5 into $50? Are you like mother nature, and your garden grows like magic? Are you the other dog whisperer? Do you play poker like those guys on TV? Can you square dance like nobody's business?

I don't care how insignificant you "think" it is- tell me where you feel most confident (someone needs to own up to being a ass kicker between the sheets). If you see something that you like that someone else says... go tell them on their blog too. I want to hear straight bragging!!