Here is a personal one... really personal.

When I started this blog I was convinced that I was going to talk about everything associated with weight loss and being fat. As I read and read and read... and read some more blogs, I realized that there are some things that every fat person understands we have in common that are extremely personal and sometimes, better left unsaid. There are other subjects though, that might be explored so that some of us can find comfort in knowing that we share some of the same issues/insecurities. 

Okay. My deep thoughts (for this evening) were brought on by a huge meltdown tonight. Not just a little tear here and there but by a massive, swollen, snotty, sobbing breakdown. My husband and I are in couples therapy, mostly because it is hard to live with someone with an eating disorder and I am working on changing my life and I would like him to come along for the ride. We have been working on communication but there are a ton of things to work on within that topic. One of them is having sex. Not the actual act of sex but getting to the point of doing the deed, the horizontal mambo, making love, making whoopie, bangin' it out, taking one for the team, fucking, humping, bumping... you get it. 

Keep reading, I promise I will get to the point. 

We have an issue with the frequency with which we have sex (I am not going to say how little or how much we have sex because some may disagree that it is a problem) and that both of us want to have sex more often. Tonight we were discussing the topic and even pondering having sex and I had a major breakthrough, which caused a meltdown. My husband commented that he feels that he has to be the one to initiate sex and we threw it around for a while and I started having some strong feelings about why I didn't initiate sex and why I was uncomfortable with initiation. I started to think that he was full of shit and that I do initiate sex- but then I realized that the typical initiation is full of joking and silliness (I am all for funny time but not all the time) and me saying what I think he wants to hear. I started explaining this to him and suddenly I burst out with, "I DON'T HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO INITIATE SEX WITH YOU!"

CUE: MELTDOWN...

So, all of my fear, anxiety, loathing, insecurities and hate towards my body came flooding up to the surface and I realized that I am afraid to initiate sex. I am terrified of trying to be sexy or trying to "turn on" my husband with a serious attempt at intimacy and love making; not because I lack skills or experience (hmm...) but because I feel like someone at my weight doesn't have the right to feel sexy. I also have the fear of using my body to make someone sexually excited- that no one would be if I did. 

This is the thing- my husband enjoys my body and sex with me. I also feel like once things begin I am less anxious and can enjoy myself. It is really just about the period of possible rejection that really makes me fearful. I know in the rational part of my head that all of these beliefs about my body are untrue BUT it is hard for me not to transfer them and assume that my husband feels the same way. 

Anyway. That was pretty personal but I think it relates to both men and women. I have heard fat men talk of it too. I know this is part of healing and accepting and loving my body at any weight. I have a long way to go. I am relieved that I got in touch with these feelings because now my husband and I won't go around in circles, trying to figure out some of our sex issues and we can work on it from a different angle. 

It is pretty sad because I think that part of my issue is internalizing how the media has portrayed it as comical and gross for a fat woman to be in lingerie and being sexy. I can flash back to movies and TV that has portrayed the main character as being stuck in a terrible situation with a big, fat women in lingerie and it being traumatizing. Obviously it goes further than that with me but living in our times certainly does not help the situation and instead perpetuates it. 

Sharing it with you guys makes me feel like it is not such a big, lonely, pink elephant in the living room. I have so much more to work on than just numbers on the scale... 

GGGRRR!

As, I explained yesterday, my husband and I have had conflict over the last few days. TODAY WAS WORSE! GGRRR! I know he is having a hard time with his dad's sickness but I am over the cold and distant attitude I have been getting from him. I understand the need for room to be sad and grieve but I have to set limits with how much of that can rub off in my direction. 

I have been eating really balanced today and I feel pretty good about handling it. My therapist is pushing me to develop some emotional independence (you know, not letting my husband's bad mood ruin the entire day or week and being able to keep on nurturing myself in spite of it- OH, AND NOT BINGEING because he is being a bitch and I feel unloved). It is really about being my own individual and not letting other people (parents, husband, boss, whoever) dictate the level of love and respect I give myself. 

So, not letting his grumpy pants ruin my progress... I have had a good day. I have been avoiding the cabinet with healthy but tasty snacks because I feel like I might go too far with them today. Just trying to use anticipation as a tool; in the past I might have taken down a pound of chocolate and half of a pizza in response to husband turmoil...

PAT, PAT, PAT (GIVING MYSELF A PAT ON THE BACK!)!

Moderation and Salty/Starch/Cheesy Goodness.

Wow! My husband and I have had a tough day. He is in Lewiston and visiting his ailing father and we have bickered on the phone multiple times today. Yuck! My husband is the type to hold things in and eventually kind of half-bury them in the "no-go" zone where he never deals with them. BUT it causes him to be emotionally distant on the outside and be extra bitchy (yes, men can be bitchy too)- SO, being insecure and sensitive myself, I get really bent out of shape and we end up in a cycle of oversensitivity and hurt feelings. 

We had one of those cycles today. He left on Monday and will be back later tomorrow (oh, actually today, it is 12:14 AM) and I am looking forward to it so we can get back into the groove of being civil and enjoyable to each other. 

I have noticed that this week has not left me untouched and I have been craving all things salty and starchy. Really, salty and cheesy and starchy. I have not binged but we all know that salt/starch/cheese without the balance of veggies and whole grains is bad for everyone. It has especially been hard at night. Actually, just at night because it is when my husband is home and I am not bored and lonely. 

I made a plan of action mid-afternoon because I knew I was going to have a rough night. I gave myself permission to have a lovely, moderate portion of salty/starchy/cheesy for dinner... as long as I ate a triple portion of veggies an hour beforehand. This was purely to balance out the last few days and the shortage of fiber in my diet (uuhhh... uncomfortable subject) and fill me up some before I enjoyed the tasty salty/starchy/cheesy goodness. It worked. Very simple. I ate about three cups of steamed green beans and a cup of fresh steamed spinach. One hour later I enjoyed a few oven baked curly fries, three oven baked chicken fingers and a small piece of pizza. Then it was over. 

The amount of joy I got out of this compromise was amazing. I did good for my body and then I did good my chilling out and letting my rigidity go a bit. Part of having an eating disorder is making rules and I originally made a rule to never, ever, emotionally eat again. NEVER! I kind of came to the realization that having a different kind of dinner than I usually do is not wrong- especially when I take care of myself by eating extra veggies and using moderate portions. Do I have to eat only lean meats and whole grains every meal? NO. Can I eat something that has more fat and calories than I usually do? Yes. When I give myself a little room to breathe I usually end up feeling freer and eating even better than I intended to... and in the end NOT BINGEING. 

Good for me!