Holding Strong.

I wanted to make a quick post that I am in a sugar craving battle with myself. I am holding strong tonight! I have sugar-free/non-fat chocolate pudding made and I am having some of that instead of going out and getting something sugary. The hardest part is that I have some room to have a dessert item but I am battling the craving and saying NONO!

It also dumped a pile of snow on Spokane today so it would actually be dangerous to go out now that the temperature has dropped and the city has become a sheet of ice. That would be an ironic way to die... in a car wreck, on my way to get a tasty dessert. 

Moderation and Salty/Starch/Cheesy Goodness.

Wow! My husband and I have had a tough day. He is in Lewiston and visiting his ailing father and we have bickered on the phone multiple times today. Yuck! My husband is the type to hold things in and eventually kind of half-bury them in the "no-go" zone where he never deals with them. BUT it causes him to be emotionally distant on the outside and be extra bitchy (yes, men can be bitchy too)- SO, being insecure and sensitive myself, I get really bent out of shape and we end up in a cycle of oversensitivity and hurt feelings. 

We had one of those cycles today. He left on Monday and will be back later tomorrow (oh, actually today, it is 12:14 AM) and I am looking forward to it so we can get back into the groove of being civil and enjoyable to each other. 

I have noticed that this week has not left me untouched and I have been craving all things salty and starchy. Really, salty and cheesy and starchy. I have not binged but we all know that salt/starch/cheese without the balance of veggies and whole grains is bad for everyone. It has especially been hard at night. Actually, just at night because it is when my husband is home and I am not bored and lonely. 

I made a plan of action mid-afternoon because I knew I was going to have a rough night. I gave myself permission to have a lovely, moderate portion of salty/starchy/cheesy for dinner... as long as I ate a triple portion of veggies an hour beforehand. This was purely to balance out the last few days and the shortage of fiber in my diet (uuhhh... uncomfortable subject) and fill me up some before I enjoyed the tasty salty/starchy/cheesy goodness. It worked. Very simple. I ate about three cups of steamed green beans and a cup of fresh steamed spinach. One hour later I enjoyed a few oven baked curly fries, three oven baked chicken fingers and a small piece of pizza. Then it was over. 

The amount of joy I got out of this compromise was amazing. I did good for my body and then I did good my chilling out and letting my rigidity go a bit. Part of having an eating disorder is making rules and I originally made a rule to never, ever, emotionally eat again. NEVER! I kind of came to the realization that having a different kind of dinner than I usually do is not wrong- especially when I take care of myself by eating extra veggies and using moderate portions. Do I have to eat only lean meats and whole grains every meal? NO. Can I eat something that has more fat and calories than I usually do? Yes. When I give myself a little room to breathe I usually end up feeling freer and eating even better than I intended to... and in the end NOT BINGEING. 

Good for me! 

Overcoming...

Breaking a habit has traditionally been a twenty-one day affair... I have heard many times that breaking a habit can be done by changing or avoiding it for twenty-one days. How long does it take to break a lifestyle though?

I have been working on my food relationships (weight loss, food addiction, abstinence, avoiding bingeing) for twenty-four days and it is just as bad as day one. My first instinct to binge at the onset of any strong emotion is as strong as ever. I think what has changed is that I have been practicing other ways of dealing with the emotions. After twenty-four days I will say that I have a better grip on avoiding a binge but just have not gotten any release from the impulse to binge. 

The cravings are still there- tonight my husband suggested that we go see a movie and I was hit with the biggest sugar craving EVER. It is obvious that I associate movies with sugar/bingeing. I was so surprised by the intensity of the craving and that it happened just at the suggestion of seeing a movie. 

It is kind of like this... I have had a fucked up relationship with food for over twenty years and it is not going to change overnight, in a month or maybe even in a year- all I can do in the meantime is practice balance and sanity and have a whole lot of patience.