Blurry Eyes. Hungry all day.

Disclaimer: I just finished eight hours of paper-writing madness... so if this doesn't make sense or it appears I have lost my mind... please wait a day or two and things will go back to normal...

That one snuck up on me! Today I sat down to write my first paper for school and the hunger monster showed up. It is such a complex paper that I cried a least four separate times about it over the last three days. Really. A good BOOFUCKINGWHO (thanks Pam)!! I felt really sorry for myself and relished in the pity party. I seemed to have picked the single most challenging English Composition Instructor on earth. Although very helpful, she makes my brain hurt! I wondered why her classes were not filled up and that I was able to get in- and now I know. She is a tear-maker. A button-pusher. A brain-squeezer. 

In my case she is a trigger- shaker. All of my anxiety over school has come rushing out! Blah! It is not her fault though, I would like to say that she reached into my mind and made me hungry... It is your fault lady! Unfortunately, on my journey to health I have to admit that my anxiety causes me to want to eat for hours at a time. 

I found myself lurking in the kitchen today. I didn't even turn on the lights but would slide in and take a little extra here and there. It was stupid. I ate 3100-ish calories (confession) and that is pretty fucking high, since I didn't exercise and sat at my computer all day. I don't feel like the world is ending but I am pretty sure that I ate around 2500... I just DO NOT LOSE WEIGHT EATING LIKE THIS WITHOUT EXERCISE. 

I am feeling hopeful though, I have the first draft of the paper written and all I have to do is add a conclusion within the next day. Then I can forget about it until Saturday when I have to touch up for the final draft. I can calm the anxiety and relax because the bulk of the work is done. 

I am trying to keep up with the reading but I have some serious studying for my other two classes to do in the next couple of days so we are looking at Friday being the first day I can spend a couple of hours doing some inspirational reading. I love you guys! 

I have a really full day tomorrow and I have the goal reel myself back in by eating three meals and one snack around 1700 calories total. We will see! 

Snack Attack! Rusty Brain.

The last two hours have been concentrated on a SNACK ATTACK! I am pushing to get to bed right now because if I write a huge post I am going to want to include a SNACK BREAK in the middle of it. The SNACK ATTACK is not the end of the world but it did just kill the caloric progress that I made during a killer workout today. BAM! Gone in bread and string cheese! 

Really, what I am snacking over is my frustrating day of intense studying and the realization that I forgot how and that I have a lot of work to do. It takes discipline to stay focused and commit to getting it done and doing what I have to do to retain the information. I forgot that I am the type that has to read it, read it again and take notes, make flash cards and then take more notes during class and relate the info I have read to what is in class. Then when the test or final comes it starts all over! It is not a bigfuckingdeal once I get used to it but it was pretty uncomfortable today. 

If I don't go to bed right now I my SNACK ATTACK is going to turn into a binge and I am not going to binge over a rusty brain. GOOD NIGHT!