Sanity revisited...

I think I am back in control... really. I feel extremely level headed today (well except my explosion of tears and sobbing at the shrink). I ate well this morning... yogurt in an attempt to balance out my stomach... it is feeling pretty good. The "probiotics" movement is one I think I could get behind. I just ate a mound of steamed broccoli, and some tasty basil, rosemary, and chive stuffed chicken and pork- that I made yesterday (yeah, it was FUCKINGAMAZING). 

Anyway. I went to our couples therapist by myself today (I have a personal shrink also). It was really painful because we hit on some "hot" topics... like my issues from a stint in the ministry (1999-2003... may it rest in peace). GOD ISSUES. That was ugly- sobbing, mascara running, resentment- lost in the hypocrisy that is ministry in modern times! We won't go back there tonight because I have a therapy hangover and could be pushed back into the howling with the slightest shove. I don't profess a certain strain of faith now (by the way). Part of recovery though (food addiction, eating disorders galore), is finding something of a higher power.

I was kind of surprised at the stuff we talked about. I am quick to shy away from talking about those ministry years, faith, God issues, etc. 

Hmm... OH YEAH! I ordered the Body Bugg thingy... just in an attempt to gain a real perspective on how many calories I am burning with (or without) my workouts... and kind of narrow down my daily calorie limit. Just to take the unknown out of the equation. 

Okay. Bye Bye!

No School. Counting Calories. Do it!

My first day of school is officially canceled! The sheriff (who is in charge of the management of the emergency crews (Spokane County declared a state of emergency last week)) recommended that schools not open tomorrow. That means that my first day is delayed at least for tomorrow; probably Tuesday also. It doesn't make a difference to me except I get to avoid- I am making a list of what I get to avoid! 

PRESENTING THE LIST OF WHAT I GET TO AVOID FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER DAY:

1. The feeling of being a decade older than most of the students in the 101 classes I am taking...

2. Walking across the icy tundra that is the parking lot and campus.

3. Trying to take my homemade latte in the travel cup with me in the car (visual: large brown stain on boob shelf). 

4. Finding the classrooms.

5. Parking in the wrong spot (specifically FACULTY PARKING) and possibly getting towed.

6. Oh yeah, not all of my books have come in yet. 

Anyway. I am feeling pretty excited that I get to tap into the avoidant part of my personality for at least another day. Ha!

In other news...

I have been counting my calories the past couple of days because I made a tally, Monday, of just my morning caloric consumption and almost had a stroke. I found out I was eating a lot more calories before noon than I originally thought. The calorie counting is pretty depressing to me and because I stack up most of my excessive calories through snacks. Not a big deal but it is a nice check up during the beginning of my fourth month of weight loss. I think I will probably count them until Monday and then stop again. I want to get a handle on a moderate balance between my snacks that I need and the snacks that I want. 

Oh, I just had a thought- Some of you out there have been writing about the need to see a shrink. All I have to say is DO IT! If you feel like you need to then you probably should. Going to a shrink doesn't mean that you are signing up to be a lifelong mental patient (pointing no fingers at myself there) but it just means you need some help presently. I have a shrink that I have been seeing since June that has helped me in ways that no other therapist ever has (there have been a few, my friends). It is a third- party, trained professional- who is getting paid to help! It is awesome! I usually see my therapist once a week, although I have not seen her in three, due to the fact that her office is on a hill that I cannot drive up when it has snowed and iced like it has. Anyway. Don't be afraid! See a shrink! 

Therapy... for both of us.

My husband and I just got back from our second session of "couples' therapy"... it is strange to go because I think we have a better than average relationship. The last year has been pretty hard on us though, as my eating disorder behaviors kind of got out of control. Also, I went to treatment for nine weeks in the late spring and we have some catching up to do. 

It seems that we have to mainly work on our communication- we come from families that couldn't be more different in expressing themselves. My parents couldn't shut their mouths when I was growing up and tended to say whatever was brewing in their thoughts, no matter what the cost emotionally to the other party. My husband's parents developed a unsaid, code of silence that tended to border on protecting each other- but also enabled neglect in their relationships. SO- we try to communicate in our own ways and usually are about half successful. We are in therapy to really find a new way for both of us to communicate that takes us out of our traditional ways and into something new for both of us... 

It is hard to change. It is taking some give on both sides but I really think this is a great step in the right direction. As I change my behaviors it will help for us to be able to talk through everything. It is funny, as I change my personal relationship with food (and other self-destructive shit), we have to change as a couple. Recovery is about the whole family! 

I really believe that if the family doesn't recover with the individual that the rate of failure is high. I have seen people have to choose self-preservation over a dysfunctional family. I am not saying that a family/spouse changes overnight- but that it needs to be everyone and not just the individual. 

Something as simple as my husband bringing home a bag of candy can put me in a pretty bad place. Can my husband eat candy? Yes. Can he bring candy into the house during this stage of my recovery? No. Can he keep it in his car or at work? Yes. It is part of his commitment to helping me recover. I appreciate that he will participate in the changes that I need to make. Occasionally, I will feel bad that he can't have the freedom to have crap in the house- but he has told me many times that it is not like I am asking him to give up his freedom or rights! He is adamant that if he can help me stay in recovery by not bringing "trigger" foods into the house... that I am not really asking him to sacrifice anything at all. 

Yeah... he is a good guy and I am thankful to have him in my life.