I went anyway.

As the day progressed I got grumpier, and angrier, and more foul... By 6PM I was FUCKINGBITCHFESTTASTIC! I made myself that way though. I struggled all day with myself-- whether I was going to go to the gym or not. I cannot deny the consequences of not going to the gym any longer. Although I would have been in calorie deficit mode, even if I had skipped the gym... I would not be keeping the commitment I made to myself. That is what I struggle with the most. I don't trust myself. I am not accountable to myself. I have broken almost every promise I have made to myself (that is how I got to 365 lbs). BUT I WENT TO THE GYM ANYWAY.

It made my day much better, and I came home and was able to eat my grilled mushrooms and onions, with a tasty bunch of grilled shrimp-- with no worries (not that grilled veggies and shrimp are anything to worry about). I feel pretty good about my choices, and I really feel good about my commitment level. I am at almost a week of moderate, calm, balanced eating. That is amazing for me, and I am so proud of myself! I have enjoyed some chocolate (little bit), potato chips (again a little bit), LOTS OF VEGETABLES, and nice portions of grilled meat. I have been trying to eat a whole wheat something at night to keep myself fuller. I will have to see if this works for me, and then I will go into more detail.

I am feeling good today.

Fat and Society. My changing views.

This week has really got me thinking about a lot associated with obesity and how society relates to an obese person. I am back in school and smack dab in the middle of the battle. Obviously, for those of you that have followed along, I have been experiencing my own set of battles. 

Today in one of my classes the subject (it is broad and complicated) of obesity came up. I was sitting in the back of the classroom and was able to see who was talking. It was funny because the people who were the most hateful and negative about the "obesity epidemic" were the skinny women. The filth and hate that spewed from their mouths about being fat blew me away. It also surprised me at the tone of their voices tended to be on the angry/tense side. The other issue that surprised me was that there was a tone of superiority that crept up during their comments. 

I was not even offended (except the fact that the instructor let it go on and on and did not correct the inaccuracies ) because I was so dumbfounded. I wish I could have recorded it- It was a study in how naturally thin woman relates to obesity and the underlying fear she has of it. The oversimplification that- fat people sit on their ass and stuff their faces with french fries and donuts and are unproductive members of society- is something that the media has fed society but I really think that we (society, not you and I) have bought into it. 

Anyway. I could go on all evening about the strange discussion that took place today... but I want to add one thing that really summed this up...

AFTER CLASS ABOUT 70% OF THE WOMEN WHO WERE PARTICIPATING IN THE DISCUSSION RAN OUTSIDE TO LIGHT UP AND HAVE A MUTHERFUCKING SMOKE. 

Walking through that cloud of death gave be a little bounce in my step. Really. I almost started skipping (except that I would have slipped on the ice and broke my face and ruined the moment) because I am going to be here and alive in thirty years (in theory)! I am exercising and eating healthy foods and loving myself more every day! 

Skipping aside... 

I had an average food day. I am dealing with the leftovers from when I was sick and taking too much Immodium. I feel a bit off physically and I feel like I need to work on recapturing the mode I was in before I got sick. I had to eat some things I usually stay away from like white flour and sugar and I am having a little hang up on getting back to the veggie concentrated, whole grain infiltrated way. I just need to do it now (although I am done eating for today)! I am going to wake up and just fucking do it. DONE! 

Just try to tempt me... fresh baked sourdough breads... just try to tempt me leftover sweetened applesauce (I will throw you away!). 

No School. Counting Calories. Do it!

My first day of school is officially canceled! The sheriff (who is in charge of the management of the emergency crews (Spokane County declared a state of emergency last week)) recommended that schools not open tomorrow. That means that my first day is delayed at least for tomorrow; probably Tuesday also. It doesn't make a difference to me except I get to avoid- I am making a list of what I get to avoid! 

PRESENTING THE LIST OF WHAT I GET TO AVOID FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER DAY:

1. The feeling of being a decade older than most of the students in the 101 classes I am taking...

2. Walking across the icy tundra that is the parking lot and campus.

3. Trying to take my homemade latte in the travel cup with me in the car (visual: large brown stain on boob shelf). 

4. Finding the classrooms.

5. Parking in the wrong spot (specifically FACULTY PARKING) and possibly getting towed.

6. Oh yeah, not all of my books have come in yet. 

Anyway. I am feeling pretty excited that I get to tap into the avoidant part of my personality for at least another day. Ha!

In other news...

I have been counting my calories the past couple of days because I made a tally, Monday, of just my morning caloric consumption and almost had a stroke. I found out I was eating a lot more calories before noon than I originally thought. The calorie counting is pretty depressing to me and because I stack up most of my excessive calories through snacks. Not a big deal but it is a nice check up during the beginning of my fourth month of weight loss. I think I will probably count them until Monday and then stop again. I want to get a handle on a moderate balance between my snacks that I need and the snacks that I want. 

Oh, I just had a thought- Some of you out there have been writing about the need to see a shrink. All I have to say is DO IT! If you feel like you need to then you probably should. Going to a shrink doesn't mean that you are signing up to be a lifelong mental patient (pointing no fingers at myself there) but it just means you need some help presently. I have a shrink that I have been seeing since June that has helped me in ways that no other therapist ever has (there have been a few, my friends). It is a third- party, trained professional- who is getting paid to help! It is awesome! I usually see my therapist once a week, although I have not seen her in three, due to the fact that her office is on a hill that I cannot drive up when it has snowed and iced like it has. Anyway. Don't be afraid! See a shrink! 

A Typical Day in Food.

I want to make sure I record what I am eating but I also want to make sure it doesn't become obsessive. In my quest to be a healthier me I want to live balanced with a relaxed relationship with food with appropriate boundaries. So, occasionally I would like to give a food update. 

I have been keeping with the extra goals of abstaining from sugar for thirty days, white flour for twenty days (likely to become for good) and dairy for fifteen days. Last tuesday I reintroduced dairy with the addition of a small serving of milk to my day. I have decided to continue to abstain from cheese just because I am still craving it and have had problems using it in the past as a binge food. 

A typical day of food for me is:

Breakfast (6:30 AM) one cup of raisin bran with one cup of soy milk.

Snack #1 (10 AM) one sliced apple and a home made latte (2/3 cup of low fat milk + 2 shots of espresso + a tiny bit of splenda).

Lunch (12 PM) two lunch meat wraps (about 200 calories of lunch meat + mustard+ pickles) with a heap of steamed string beans or raw baby carrots and a sliced piece of fruit (apple or pear) and 4 corn tortilla chips. I usually try to drink about 32 oz. of water during this hour.

Dinner (6 PM) bbq chicken (around 4 oz.) with either roasted potatoes or a whole grain (brown rice, bulgur, barley) and a heap of steamed vegetables. I usually add a tbsp. of butter and a cup of chopped onions to the whole grain mixture (about 1 tbsp of butter for four servings) and if we are having roasted potatoes about a tbsp. of olive oil (again 4 servings). My husband eats the leftovers for lunch and I always try to make extra.

Snack #2 (9 PM) 2- 4 cups of popcorn ( two if it is a higher calorie kind and four if it is fat free). 

So, that is pretty typical and pretty consistent. It is very important for me to have a snack at night. It was a huge binge time for me and if I get too hungry before bed I have HUGE anxiety issues. I would like to phase that out eventually but for right now it is important to me to learn to live without bingeing. I try to listen to my body and add a few extra calories if I get extra hungry or a little light headed.

I truly believe that everyone's successful weight loss comes from their own mixture of healthy foods and portion control. I am sure that my needs will change nutritionally as I get further along. It is why all of the diet programs, books, t.v. shows- whatever don't seem to work. It really boils down to you and I as individuals. Listening to your body and trial and error and making adjustments. It is important to study about nutrition and it's various philosophies. I have leaned so much over the years. I have read every diet scheme and theory there is and not a single one appeals to me to follow religiously. BUT there are aspects of some that I can take and use. What it is really about is- finding YOUR OWN PATH.