Blah. Might as well get it over with...Weight Loss Update.

As we discussed... I had a terrible time with that medication I was on for four days... it has been about nine days since I stopped it and I have not dropped all of the weight. I went from 312 lbs on 2/12 to 321 lbs on 3/17 and today I am 316lbs... and IAMFUCKINGFRUSTRATED!!

I am frustrated because I got to 312 and a landmark 50 pound weight loss and then got a swift kick in the face with the medicine reaction. The assumption was that it was mostly water retention, and it is hard to face that I didn't just shrink back to what I was in a couple of days. There is evidence it is water retention but there are other side effects that it possibly had that would promote mass weight gain that might take a bit longer to shed. I am going in for a full blood screening next week to see if shit is still out of balance.  

I did not post my weight last week because I wanted to give myself a break... now I think I am going to because in the long run... it will be part of the story. In the big picture... I have lost six pounds in the last eight days. There is some speculation in my medical team world that because I have had a steep decline in gym visits that this might also be contributing to some of the retention and that with about a week of vigorous effort my body should get back to where it was (obviously, exercise helps balance body fluids and relieve water retention). Whatever. 

I am trying. I am keeping on keeping on. I had a big day in therapy and I will probably post about it tomorrow when I am feeling a little brighter... 

For all of you who sympathized with me... IT IS BACK WITH A VENGEANCE...

NO, not my bingeing! NO, NOT BIRTHDAY CAKE AND PIZZA! 

The MUTHERFUCKING SNOW! I started shoveling a while ago and had to stop because I couldn't keep  up with it. It is so bad. I am sure I will have a four hour shoveling tale tomorrow (that you may or may not care to read). 

Anyway. Enough about the white, powdery stuff (?)...

I am diligently working on my little goal (319 by January 1st). I had a bit of a problem with what I spent my calories on yesterday- I only consumed about 15% of my calories in veggies and fruit because we ran out. Now, we did have a meltdown yesterday, and I was able to get out of the house but since I lost my wallet I needed my husband to get cash out or go shopping with me and he was at work, I had to wait. I didn't eat more than I wanted to it is just that my body responds with a little more weight loss when I eat a larger percentage of my calories in veggies... I am on my way down on the scale though!

WAIT! The snow just stopped and for ten seconds the sun came out! HA! It was like a brief moment of bliss... I am going to go jump on the opportunity and do some shoveling! 

Weight Loss Progress.

This last week has been tough but I have lost three pounds. In spite of my progress, I am in a terrible mood today. I woke up grumpy and have continued the mood through the day. It was probably not the right day to take care of all of my Christmas shopping but I have to mail a bunch of stuff to Florida and San Diego. 

I am not really sure what happened that sparked off this anger today but I am going to do some reflecting tonight and see what I can find. I also am giving myself a break and extending my Christmas mailing to Saturday instead of tomorrow. 

So, I am not full of many words right now. Hopefully a good night's sleep will leave me more hopeful in the morning. 

Relationships. Food. Recovery.

One of my most important goals is to be able to be active again. Not in the sense of being able to just do the minimum- but to be able to do activities that I really love. For instance, I used to rock climb and I want to again. It is physically impossible for me to now. Period.

My goals concerning weight loss are not defined. Weight loss, FOR ME, is part of my recovery from abusing my body with food. Not everyone's recovery from bad food relationships includes weight loss. I have no goals to be a certain weight or look a certain way but I do have goals that include being able to do things (rock climbing and running are two of them). One aspect of changing who I am is changing my relationship with food. Using food to avoid emotions and abuse myself happen to be unhealthy behaviors I want to change and that have destroyed my life. 

During the last three weeks I have used abstinence from some foods as a tool. It is a technique that my therapist and I agreed upon and it is being supervised so it does not turn into restriction. It is really easy for me to go straight in the opposite direction and use restriction for abuse purposes and that is not a behavior I want to employ either. 

Part of my recovery will include introducing problems foods back into my diet in moderate, balanced amounts. I would like to enjoy birthday cake on my birthday but I don't want to binge on cake on a regular basis. I would like to enjoy cheese in moderation and not in a 2,500 calorie cracker and cheese binge. I think you get the point. 

I am trying to express that recovering from food issues, eating disorders... whatever- is not about copying what works for one person but about designing a recovery that works for you. My recovery happens to include some food abstinence and weight loss but with a therapist and doctor's supervision.  

Introducing... Fat?

Today is my first post. I have so much to say but I really don't know where to start... I was thinking I might launch straight into weight loss news and add in my history as I go. I was also thinking that a brief history might help people relate faster. I don't really know so I will just learn as I go. 

I have tried so many times to loose weight. So many people assume that fat people don't know about nutrition and weight loss... well that's wrong. I know more about dieting, nutrition and weight loss than than most. I mean, think of all the pounds successfully lost by the average obese person! I know I have lost a whole lot of weight in my life... just never kept it off. 

So, what makes this time different? Did I find an amazing miracle diet? Did I have weight- loss surgery? Was I prescribed the magic pill? Have I finally had my "AH HA!" moment? NO. NO. NO. NO. It just doesn't work that way for me. What is working? Therapy. Research. Treatment. Trial and Error. Support. Healthful Eating. Moderate Exercise. Friends. 

Part of my renewed commitment to weight loss has been some serious thinking on food addiction and what my diet has been composed of (sugar) and how my life revolved around it. For instance, on August 14th of this year, my 5,260 calorie day included: four cups of rice pudding, forty-six ounces of Dr Pepper, six chocolate-chip cookies and an entire bag of ranch rice cakes. I ate more than just those items that day but I consumed the majority of my calories in sugar/starch. I have kept a food journal before but it has been especially helpful to me since I started keeping it last August. The patterns are the same. SUGAR!

Last weekend I made my decision (it took longer than a weekend to get to the decision) to "go off" of sugar for thirty-days, white flour for twenty-days and dairy for fifteen days. It kind of sounds like some of the diets that are out there but my decision was purely to release my addictions. I plan on incorporating dairy into my eating plan and having the occasional treat or desert in the future. I have switched to whole grains for good due to the nutritional benefits. I might extend the sugar boycott if it feels necessary when my time is near, but I will cross that obstacle when I am closer to being done. 

So to end my lengthy post I will give you these facts: 

1. I have been on my plan for six days. 

2. "Healthy" weight loss tends to be about 1% of body weight a week. I have made this a goal of mine. 

3. In the first five days of my sugar boycott I lost 2.5% of my body weight. My body's reaction was surprising and I assume that the weight loss will slow down because I was not short enough calories each day to loose the amount of weight that I did. 

4. I have posted how much weight I need to loose but I am not ready yet to post how much I currently weigh. As I become more confident I might find that I will be ready to show the numbers. 

5. I have had actually physical withdrawal symptoms from sugar: headaches, sweating, irritability, digestive issues and the worst of all was THE CRAVINGS!