Four and STOP. Weightnotloss update.

I hadn't planned on weighing until the 10th, but today at the doctor it was requested that I weigh. I usually don't weigh at the doctor, but I had not stepped on their scale since August of last year.

I went home to check on the weight I saw there... and 277 remains. I might have lost four pounds at the 10th of August weigh-in, but in the last nineteen days there has been no progress. I guess there can be progress claimed, but not in the weight loss department. I did not gain during the most stressful time EVER! The problem is that I wanted to lose in spite of the stress. 


Okay and we are done with the whine.

I took the afternoon and evening off from working on the house yesterday, and the entire day off today. It was FANTASTIC. My husband and I even loosened up enough today to have some fun and be goofy. It was nice... it takes a lot to get to that point these days, and I really enjoyed it. It was almost like we were "newly in love" for a few minutes.

Hey. Friends. Thanks for the support from yesterday's post... It made me feel better to hear your thoughts and feelings on the subject.

Three pounds lost and UNDER 300!

HELL YES! UNDER 300 POUNDS! I lost another three pounds this week. I have never been able to accomplish this level of consistency with weight loss (or really anything else)- four weeks/three pounds a week. I would like to keep it going! I am really proud of myself, and I feel like 297 feels easier on my soul.

I am also feeling good because I hit the land mark of being under 300 and now I can set my next one for losing a 100 pounds. I am pretty motivated, but also feeling really grounded right now (as far as my weight loss is going).

Off to study!

Weight Loss continued...

With a three pound loss for the week! I am one pound away from losing sixty, and four pounds until I am out of the 300's! 

It was a rather boring week. Exciting that I knew I was losing weight, but a lot of the temptation to blow it is gone. When you see those numbers at the end of the day... it doesn't feel so good to know you didn't fulfill your commitment to yourself. I didn't exercise as much as planned, but did do a lot of extra stuff associated with being active- it enabled me to make up for the lack of exercise. Obviously I want to reach my goals of cardio and muscle building, but during this tough quarter in school I can concentrate on my studies, and not freak out if I don't make it to the gym. 

And it really is about moderation right now. Keeping my goal to 1800 calories is not torture.  I eat really, really well for about 80% of my daily calories. The other 20% is usually spent on a little salty bullshit, and a bit of chocolate. IT IS WORKING! Seriously. If I lost three pounds a week for the next year I would be at my goal weight next April. Even if it was two pounds a week I would still be very close. It is progress I can subscribe to... because I am not patient, and I know how quick a year goes by. I know that I can do this. 

Anyway. Off to cram my head full of the molecular structures of proteins!

Progress.

So! This is working for me. This lower sodium trial is working. It is not requiring anything extreme (except getting through the cravings at night)... and most of the focus seems to fall on my dinner because that is where I was hitting the salt the hardest. I have been having to literally change the motions of making dinner. I grill about 75% of our dinners during decent weather- it is a tasty option (less kitchen mess)... I automatically coat the meat in salt and spices, and so I have to stop myself from picking up the salt shaker and grinding that tasty substance all over. If I am going to add salt it is measured and calculated now. I was grilling my meats before adding them into the Asian dishes I was making and salting it before the grill and then adding soy and fish sauce, and other formulas with salt on top of it. Anyway. I have to be careful about being mindful that my hands don't reach for the salt before my mind catches on.

So. I am down to 311 lbs. It is coming off and now I am at my lowest weight ever. Finally I am down below 312 which I have been dancing around for weeks. Up, down, Up, Up... I am feeling a bit more in control of my weight loss again. Maybe even back on the motivation horse? We will see! I guess it is kind of weird to be back in the weight LOSS stage after a rather extended battle of gain and loss... I almost feel like I am in unfamiliar territory again- also kind of free of the burden of try to get back to where I was. It feels good.

I am having a bit of a lazy day today. I slept in, and then went to the shrink. I have a few errands to run... I am officially done with all of my classes except for two finals on Monday and Tuesday. I have to study, but it is not an overwhelming amount. I might pick it up later when I feel bored, or might wait until tomorrow-

So the supportive words have been helpful- some of you have been following along quite regularly through the last week of craziness. I hope that I can write in the near future about some things that are working for me (obviously the sodium is working, but the benefits with my weight will run out when my body gets to a normal fluid balance). I want to write about what is working, and what I am changing to see results.

Holy SHIT! Afterthoughts!

I just realized that I hit the fifty pounds lost marker this week! I have been so caught up in various issues that I completely missed it! FIFTYMUTHERFUCKINGPOUNDS!

TIme for a quickie!

PAPER WRITING! WARNING! I thought I would update... I seem to be in a never ending swamp of school work! I lost a pound this week... I think it is more but to spare you a TMI (too much info) moment I won't go into exactly why... except I have been enjoying the thrills of black beans, prunes and olive oil! HA! That really didn't shield you from what I am getting at. Anyway. I am pretty sure that when everything gets moving again I will be lower than 312 pounds but I am going to wait until next week to find out... it will actually be a boost if my number is even higher next week! I am not thrilled but not disappointed either. The slow movement towards 300 continues... 

So! I will catch up tomorrow after a midterm and a meeting with my paper assigning teacher! 

Weight Loss Update.

Ahhh... Today has been great. Really! The husband and I went to therapy this morning and did a fantastic exercise that was about supporting each others' strong points. We came out a little more aware of our strengths and similarities, and it seemed to get us lifted back onto a more positive note. We have had a bit of strain in the last couple of weeks and this helped us laugh at ourselves; we both love humor and wit so much and it was one of the original things that attracted us to each other. MY humor tends to be on the sarcastic, foul side and he trends towards a more classic slapstick. 

So... the big news... I lost FOUR pounds this week! I needed this! I stepped on and it read 313 and I stepped on a second time and it still read 313 and then I double checked on my other scale (yes, I have scale issues) and it also read 313! I wanted to make a list of what I did right this week, so I can look back in the future and see what worked... 

• Seriously concentrated on my water intake. I didn't go really high but I consistently drank 60- 70 ounces a day. I usually am up and down-- 40 one day and 100 the next. This worked a little better and I kept the headaches from dehydration at bay. I also didn't wake up once this week with tight rings from water retention. 
• I made new February goals which included a goal of 1800 calories for five days of the week and the guideline of using moderation on Mon/Wed when I don't. I seem to need the structure of calorie counting right now, so I am going with it. Mon/Wed are my marathon days for classes- I wanted to give myself a break. It is funny because I counted calories anyway yesterday and ended up at 1900 and I even had tasty peanut butter cups...
• I have been tracking the vitamin content of my food and found that I am really short on vitamin A and E and so I have bought a huge bag of carrots and some orange bell peppers. I also am typically short on vitamin C so the bell peppers have put that in balance. 
• I have been eating chocolate almost every day. I love chocolate. PERIOD. I bought some and put it into my daily food plan and that is the end of it. I am happy and don't have the serious cravings for sugar because I am allowing it and working it into my day. (disclaimer: this is working for me this week but might change in the future)

Now it is time to say that I am proud of myself and I have a huge boost of motivation. Before I weighed in today I noted that for the last couple of days my pants have been feeling like they are going to fall off. Every single pair... that alone has helped and verified my progress. 

That is it for now. I hope I will have time later to have some deep thoughts and reflections... HA!

The weigh today was...

317 pounds... I held my weight and my pipe dream of three pounds lost is gone... I am not actually too upset. Like I posted-- I did not have the strongest week and I am glad I was able to keep myself from gaining. In the past I would have gained, so accomplishment accepted.

I read the best post today on SiftingFifty about accomplishments and being positive (in a real way-- not the panda bears and butterflies sitting under rainbows way). This blogger makes me laugh because she also measures her weight in Sticks of Butter Lost. As in converting her pounds lost into the equivalent of sticks of butter lost. That is a new and original take on weight loss that makes me smile every time I read it.

I am struggling with food and exercise today. I haven't gotten to the bottom of it emotionally yet (you can bet that I will lay it all out there when I do). I guess in my food/exercise struggle I am disconnecting with my emotions. I am just trying to maintain food sanity-- which is better than all out loss of control. I usually try to do better than sanity maintenance but we all know that you do what you can in the moment.

I am have a huge test on Monday and have a lot of studying to do tomorrow and Sunday. I am making it my goal to go to the gym both days. I know that we will be eating poorly on Sunday during the superbowl and I want to make sure that I eat the least amount of the bad shit and make sure that I get some material to make a large salad or something tasty but moderate so I can stay away from the mass consumption of terrible food.

I will keep you guys updated! Hey! Friends! Some of blogland is slow right now and I miss those that are struggling with it! Come on guys, you can do it! Even a little tiny bit will do!

How the...? What the...? Weight Loss.

Okay people in blog land... I THINK I lost three pounds this week. I THINK because I got on the scale and weighed 314 lbs and then I was so surprised that I got on and weighed 317 lbs a minute later. I kind of freaked out for a minute and realized that we have another scale; I jumped on that scale and weighed 314! For an experiment I weighed again and weighed 317... wait. Two different scales weighed me first at 314 and then within the same minute 317? Huh? What? Is this a conspiracy? 

Anyway. I am tentatively going to post the three pound loss... I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and see what happens. I will have to update you then on what the result is (besides my insanity). I want to add that if I lost three pounds-- I would celebrate! I also want to state that if I hold my weight-- I am also going to celebrate because my week really sucked and either option would be great. 

If I can maintain my weight when I have a bad week that will be a huge accomplishment. In the past a bad week could put me back 5 or 6 pounds. I would never think to celebrate maintnence but I have to change the way I think or I will explode. I think coming to terms with the fact that I am making changes even if it is not straight weight loss will make the hard times easier and different in the future. Now if I did lose weight this week maybe I can also work on putting things in perspective... that maybe I am exaggerating how bad I did because I don't know any different. You get my drift??

I have such a hard time aknowledging my success if it isn't tangible (pounds on the scale) and I think I get hung up on still punishing myself for past mistakes. So forgiving myself AND coming to terms with all aspects of my accomplishments would be my goal... 

Weight Loss Update.

HELLO! I have a weight loss update to report! Two pounds! I am okay! I am okay because I ate well but my exercise took a nose dive this last week and I was able to lose through mostly controlling my calories. I was thinking (and I always tell people this as advice- walk the talk!) that I am getting closer to breaking into the 200's and I should be feeling optimistic! I am! YEAH! FUCKYEAH! I cannot wait (but will with all of the patience I can muster). 

No Weight Loss Update.

Last night as I made the decision to skip my weigh in this week. I am going to wait until I am feeling better and have less symptoms. I have been drinking lots of broth (sodium-tastic) and my fingers and ankles are a bit swollen. I have also been following the banana, cracker, applesauce and gatorade recommendations for the "issue" I am having and I know that my water retention is high. My stomach is also tender and tight feeling... no use upsetting myself. I have been eating really well but I am staying far away from the scale for the next few days because I don't want to frustrate myself. I think I am making the right choice- I have to give myself a bit of tenderness. I think that I will weigh in on Monday and then continue the weigh-ins on Monday from now on. 

For now that is it. I will try to post later tonight when I get back from my last class! 

Hey. Thank you guys for the sympathetic words you gave me yesterday!

Weight Loss Update.

SO! I had my little mini- goal and I did not meet it BUT I AM PRETTY EXCITED BECAUSE I LOST FIVE POUNDS THIS WEEK... It is like I psyched myself out... Work really hard for a really hard goal and don't make it BUT kick some serious ass in the process! I am thrilled at five pounds and celebrating losing over forty pounds total! 

I took a break from working out (gym or snow shoveling) to let my body heal. Everything was hurting yesterday morning! Before the mutherfucking snow dump happened I was working out three or four days a week. Things have changed for me and now I am interested in working out almost every day and doing strength training too. I had some hang- ups about doing weights but now that I have started the shoveling I want to continue to get stronger in my arms, back and stomach. I guess after all of the snow bitching I have to thank the snow for motivating me to work out more and get other parts of my body into shape that were not getting attention on the cardio machines. I also have started splitting my time between the elliptical and the rowing machine and I am able to do even more cardio... I am actually kind of excited for my new found desire to get strong along with my weight loss! 

Yesterday I went to the student disability center and talked to one of the counselors and got everything set up to have a desk and separate chair put in the classes I am taking. It was kind of terrible but at the same time a HUGE relief to get it taken care of and to know that I don't have to continue the anxiety over fitting into my classes. I still have the general anxiety over the public reaction to my weight (that is why I have a therapist, among other reasons) but little baby steps... I am going to make a goal around fitting into the single desk/chair units by maybe fall or winter quarter of the next school year. 

My husband has today and tomorrow off and I don't usually eat as well when he is off. I want to make sure I keep up the veggies and fruit and not falter in my resolve to eat and cook well just because he is off! We feed off of each other and I end up not cooking as much or ordering in food and that is not always the best option because it triggers me to associate his days off with eating bad. RESOLVE!

Have I thanked all of you guys for the fantastic, amazing, empowering support you have given me? It is like a big love festival and I love it! I hope I can return the encouragement to each one of you! It is awesome to spew out my anxieties and have people support me. Thank you so much. I feel like we have a little community- and it is growing! 

Weight Loss Update.

This morning I weighed in and lost two pounds from last week. I was pleased with the loss! I am pretty psyched to work on my little goal for January 1st. 

Today was a very moderate day. We ate dinner at our friends' house and I enjoyed some of what they served but I did not get the uncomfortable "holiday fullness". I also enjoyed dessert and some tasty drinks. Not a big deal. Not insane eating either. I am pretty content with how I behaved around the dinner and feel like I approached it in a relaxed and balanced way. No binge, no starving. 

I am pretty tired. I put in about two hours of shoveling yesterday and three today. We got some snow last night that caused us to have to work it even on Christmas. I am physically getting pretty exhausted from the whole situation. I am amazed at how my body is adapting to what I am asking from it. I thought after my first four-and-a-half-death-shovel that I would be done for at least a week but I have just kept going. I am satisfied that I am doing a good job substituting my lack of gym visits (can't get there because of the billion ton snow pile up) and keeping up the activity level. 

Goodnight!

Weight Loss Update. Not.

Okay. I predicted it. It happened. I gained three pounds this week. I am not going to dwell on it because it will just cause me to eat my worry away. Hey! I am not even going to worry. I just have to re-lose it now. 

I do want to point out some of the mistakes I made this week and some of the things that happened that were out of my control...

1. I binged/overate for almost a whole day. 

2. I had to stop exercising because of the cold weather- it aggravated my allergies and then my asthma. It was like a cold mixed with bronchitis mixed with the flu. 

3. I ate more than usual because of being holed up inside the house. We also lost power and had to eat out twice and I did not eat as well as I could have (not terrible, not great).

4. I did not drink as much water as usual. I typically drink at least three (32 oz) bottles a day and sometimes four- I had a couple of times that I felt the beginning of a dehydration headache coming on... also I know I am retaining water because my rings are fitting tighter. 

So, those are my mistakes and also the things that happened that were out of  my control. They are not excuses- just the reasons the gain happened. I have received a lot of support in my life this week both in and out of the blog world and I feel like I can keep going strong. 

I am doing great today as far as eating goes. I ate my tasty raisin bran for breakfast and later a 1%/sugar-free carmel latte (made at home). About an hour ago I made another fantastic Mexican Salad and drank a bottle of water with it. I am trying to be really aware of what I eat right now... AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE PICTURE, WE GOT SOME SERIOUS SNOW. Just in the last twenty-four hours we got twenty-six inches of snow AND that is on top of what we already had. 

We are unable to leave the house and have just been hanging out waiting for life to begin again. It is hard for me not to graze all day, since I am stuck in the house, bored, blah. I did clean like crazy this morning to alleviate some of the closed in feelings I was having. I am trying my hardest to be aware of what I am doing and keep in the present. One of my biggest challenges around food is not being present in my food actions... you know, just stopping in the kitchen and picking up something to eat without even planning it. 

Anyway. Holding strong. Not dwelling on the weight gain. Going to get it back together this week and make some progress in the right direction... I hope you all do too!  

Weight Loss Progress.

This last week has been tough but I have lost three pounds. In spite of my progress, I am in a terrible mood today. I woke up grumpy and have continued the mood through the day. It was probably not the right day to take care of all of my Christmas shopping but I have to mail a bunch of stuff to Florida and San Diego. 

I am not really sure what happened that sparked off this anger today but I am going to do some reflecting tonight and see what I can find. I also am giving myself a break and extending my Christmas mailing to Saturday instead of tomorrow. 

So, I am not full of many words right now. Hopefully a good night's sleep will leave me more hopeful in the morning. 

Weight Loss Progress.

Since I did not lose any weight this week I was debating whether I should skip the update this week or not. I went back and forth and finally I realized something. I am doing a blog to share my journey and part of my journey is going to be reality. Reality is that I am not going to lose weight every week and that is just part of the journey. I have wanted to be an inspiration and a partner to those in the journey to change their lives. I have been putting expectations on myself that if I don't lose weight EVERY week that I somehow would not be accomplishing something. 

I know it is part of the process because I have looked at what others have lost who have been successful and I always feel relieved when I see a zero weight loss weight in or even a weight gain. I feel that way because they experienced a slow down and kept going. Keeping the process going has ALWAYS been where I trip up. In the past I have found that I have lost some weight and then not seen exactly what I wanted and then freaked out (and binged until I gained it back plus more). 

In the last couple of hours I have been reflecting on what held me up this week. I came up with a few things that I have to aknowlege but turn into lessons learned and not things to beat myself up about. 

Problem #1- I went to Lewiston for three days and knew that my in-laws would have shitty food. We ate pizza the first night and the third night. Even though I was controlling the amount of pizza I ate- I was comparing the amount I was eating to the "old days" when I used pizza as a binge AND a meal. So, I was using the old comparison of 2/3 of an pizza consumed and eating three pieces instead. The kind of pizza we were eating was around 300-350 calories a piece and so later I reflected that I was eating more than a thousand calories for dinner while I was in Lewiston. Also there were cookies everywhere and we grazed on them and I think I ate more than I realize because I was so mindless about it. 

Lesson Learned #1- When visiting the in-laws... I would like to go grocery shopping as soon as we get there. It would be me offering to cook while I was there, so the burden could be taken off the family that is taking care of my ailing father in-law. I would be able to get some alternative snacks and stock the house to substitute for cookie grazing. I could also take control of the dinner situation and no one would be upset with being relieved from cooking duties. I want to treat myself well and make sure that a healthy option is always available. Also, I need to reevaluate the pizza portion situation and limit myself to one or two pieces depending on what else is being offered at dinner.

Problem #2- I went on a new medicine recently and the last couple of days have been terrible. Yesterday (no posts, if you noticed), it all came to a head and I was in a terrible state. My blood pressure has been a terrific 100/70 since I started exercising and yesterday it was 145/95 because of the new medicine. I tracked my eating since I started the new medicine fourteen days ago and I saw that I started having some problems as soon as began taking it. It caused terrible agitation and anxiety and I think that I was compensating for it with some impulsive eating (and impulsive shopping, damn it!). It is weird because I didn't even really notice what had happened until yesterday but when I did realize I knew that I hadn't been paying attention. 

Lesson #2- Pay attention to small changes in eating and impulse control issues (shopping) and try to head them off before they get to be a BIG PROBLEM.  I might have looked back sooner at my journal and food entries and seen that there was something going on. Also, I have had challenges settling for sub-par medicine in the past. I need to stand up for my needs and not accept side affects and be more assertive by getting things taken care of sooner. My husband had indicated that he thought there was a problem with my medicine because he was sure I was going to kick someone's ass last week. He thought that my level of aggression had gone up and that I was not seeing it. DING! DING!  

I think there are more lessons but I am feeling satisfied that these two are the big one's from last week. Paying attention to the small stuff! Being my own advocate! 

Weight Loss Update. Progress.

I didn't update my weekly progress yesterday because we are having a bit of a family emergency and I had to get my husband out of town to go see his father. His father has serious cancer and is sick and suffering from his chemo treatments. He has tumors (that we know of) in his lungs, liver, bowels and chest. He has also recently developed bronchitis and a port infection (where they deliver the chemotherapy). He started getting really dizzy after his last chemo treatment, two weeks ago, and on Sunday night fell and broke his hip. It is not just an average hip break, it is terrible and life threatening. Obviously, my husband had to go down and help with the situation. 

As far as my weight goes... I lost a pound. I am not going to go into the various battles I am having with losing a pound (I will in the next couple of posts)- I am just going to keep going. It is times like these in the past that I have given up and driven back up the road of bingeing and gained even more weight than I lost back.

I am pretty sure that my weight loss will catch back up with me in the next week or two. I am still working hard on my balanced eating and food relationships. I have also been working on fruits and vegetables... you just can't assume that your body will lose all of the weight you expect it to all of the time. I also cannot put the expectation that I will lose the exact amount of weight I think I should, in precise, neat increments. Patience...

Week Six. Update.

It is the end of my sixth week and I am feeling terrible! Not because of my progress but because I crashed and burned in my bathtub yesterday. I was in the shower and reaching down to wash my foot and I slipped! It was not something I could stop from happening and I fell on my hip and then slammed my shoulder into the bathtub ledge. I have a nasty bruise and lump on my right hip/ass cheek and my shoulder is swollen and sore. I tried to iron a shirt this morning and it brought tears to my eyes. I have pains everywhere!

It is actually kind of comical because typically have a couple of terrible falls a year and never really do the damage I should for the type of falls I take (two years ago I partially tore my MCL but that is the worst). I also do strange things in my clumsiness. For instance, two weeks ago, I accidentally shaved off a chunk of my eyebrow while shaving under my arms (I can't even begin to explain the sequence of how it happened). 

On to the important update... I lost five pounds this week! Yay! It was a relief after my slow down from last week. I am feeling encouraged and motivated. I also feel justified in the struggles I have had this week- I kind of feel like they paid off. I am doing great and I am proud of myself!!

Progress. Week Five Update.

UGH! Week five was tough! I went through a lot this week; my husband and I had a fairly tense week and he also went down to visit his father in Lewiston, Idaho. His father is sick with lung and colon cancer. So, we struggled this week to see eye to eye on everything and it made it hard that he has been sad and stressed out about his father. 

We also attended a "November 1st Halloween Party"... I didn't dress up- here is a picture of my Halloween effort compared to my friend's. Still had fun though! The challenge was the food- since I have been on a rather steady diet of lean meats, veggies, whole grains and fruits... Well, lets just say that the dinner of pigs in a blanket, pizza, chips and dip and alcohol didn't really agree with me. I also did some drinking which gave my system quite a shock.

 The moral of the story is I ate moderately with food of questionable content and drank sugared, tasty, alcoholic beverages and the combination made me sick about six hours later and I ended up vomiting in the early hours of the next morning. I am not one to get sick from drinking, so I am pretty sure it was the whole combination of food and drinks my system is not used to now. 

I don't regret eating the food but I must remember in the future to only have a couple of small items and not have an entire dinner of that kind of food. I think that eating a small and nutritious dinner before hand and enjoying a couple of snacks during the evening might keep me from having a repeat. I mean, lets face it... pizza and sausage taste good! 

This morning I weighed in and found that I was about a 1/2 pound down from last week. I want to say ONLY a 1/2 pound but I don't feel bad about it at all. I am pretty sure that my body is dehydrated and retaining water from my vomiting yesterday morning. In the past I might have freaked out about something like only losing a 1/2 pound- either way (if I hit a plateau and only lost a 1/2 pound or if I lost more but my system is in shock) I am okay with the situation.  

Part of becoming changing my relationship with food is changing how I feel about weight loss and my body. When I got off the scale this morning I thought...

1. I have lost twenty-five pounds in thirty-five days!

2. I have not binged in thirty-five days! 

3. I feel great about the changes I have made!

4. I am strong and am changing the way I think about things and I am beautiful and strong the way I am even if I never lose another pound! 

5. I am going to stay strong and continue practicing balance in my life. 

I feel pretty fucking good today. I feel better about myself than I have in years! I want to keep on pressing forward and kicking ass. I want to be better than yesterday, everyday, even if it is just a tiny, baby step!

Update. Week four.

I don't want to go on and on about my week to week weight loss but I do want to record it for some accountability and some encouragement. This past week I lost a little more than four pounds and I am really satisfied and even motivated by it. I have wanted to beat my head against the wall several times in the last week because of the various obstacles but I am alive and better than yesterday and a bit closer to sanity.