Progress.

So! This is working for me. This lower sodium trial is working. It is not requiring anything extreme (except getting through the cravings at night)... and most of the focus seems to fall on my dinner because that is where I was hitting the salt the hardest. I have been having to literally change the motions of making dinner. I grill about 75% of our dinners during decent weather- it is a tasty option (less kitchen mess)... I automatically coat the meat in salt and spices, and so I have to stop myself from picking up the salt shaker and grinding that tasty substance all over. If I am going to add salt it is measured and calculated now. I was grilling my meats before adding them into the Asian dishes I was making and salting it before the grill and then adding soy and fish sauce, and other formulas with salt on top of it. Anyway. I have to be careful about being mindful that my hands don't reach for the salt before my mind catches on.

So. I am down to 311 lbs. It is coming off and now I am at my lowest weight ever. Finally I am down below 312 which I have been dancing around for weeks. Up, down, Up, Up... I am feeling a bit more in control of my weight loss again. Maybe even back on the motivation horse? We will see! I guess it is kind of weird to be back in the weight LOSS stage after a rather extended battle of gain and loss... I almost feel like I am in unfamiliar territory again- also kind of free of the burden of try to get back to where I was. It feels good.

I am having a bit of a lazy day today. I slept in, and then went to the shrink. I have a few errands to run... I am officially done with all of my classes except for two finals on Monday and Tuesday. I have to study, but it is not an overwhelming amount. I might pick it up later when I feel bored, or might wait until tomorrow-

So the supportive words have been helpful- some of you have been following along quite regularly through the last week of craziness. I hope that I can write in the near future about some things that are working for me (obviously the sodium is working, but the benefits with my weight will run out when my body gets to a normal fluid balance). I want to write about what is working, and what I am changing to see results.

Yesterday and Today.

This morning I woke up sore, as expected, but not as bad as I thought. The only place that seems to be in the intolerable level of soreness is my lower back and that is because I was using the short snow shovel and I had to stoop over to shovel snow. I am pretty impressed with myself in general after yesterday, not only because I shoveled snow like a mad woman... but because I am in such better shape than last year when we had snow. 

In January (2008) we had a terrible snow (over a couple of weeks) and we had to shovel and I could usually only last about an hour before I became useless. This year I did 400% of that with twice the intensity. I was blown away when I finished because I kicked so much ass for so long. I really had a progress moment, where I realized how far I had come with my conditioning. All of the hours on the elliptical have paid off. I am also a lot healthier, with more energy. It was just a big milestone for me to be able to physically contribute to something. My husband is usually the workhorse in the house and ends up doing all of the shitty, manual labor stuff (snow shoveling, pulling weeds, mowing the lawn, etc...) and now I feel like I can start to play a part in that. 

So, I guess I am feeling pretty good about my progress. I have had a good day so far and I am feeling like I might have a super- duper/extra/terrific weight loss week. I am also feeling really positive right now. SO positive that I am going to list some good things that have happened in the last day (they made ME happy and that is what counts).

1. My friend stopped by to pick me up yesterday to run some errands with her. She has a Jeep and was able to drive around in this shit. She knows I am unable to get out of my driveway and it was really thoughtful for her to take the time to help me out. I was able to get some important stuff to hold me over until the city finally plows our road (we are last on the priority list and sometimes never get plowed at all- we are near a major road and we are in a flat area= no plow or last on the list for plowing). I also got to get out of the house.

2. Costco had raspberries on sale ($3.99) and I got three large containers of them to eat and freeze. I love fresh berries and I love to freeze fresh berries because they just taste better than what you buy in the store, already frozen. I like to have them for a variety of uses... I also was able to pick up some fresh blueberries. 

3. I made an indoor exercise/chore obstacle course today so I could get some activity since I can't get to the gym. It made my day better knowing I got my heart rate up, burnt a couple of calories and did some of the tedious chores I hate doing. It worked really well, by the way. 

4. I had a conversation with my Mother that didn't include me wanting tear my hair out or bang by head against the wall. It also included a small flash of affection on her part (I am not hoping for anything more than that ever, but it was nice). Have I mentioned that my parents are insane (the type that are still in the closet- they can hide it from the casual observer but once you get behind closed doors...)?

That is kind of what is going on. I am tired of being cooped up in the house and it is too cold to be outside for more than a few minutes. I am doing what I can to tame the grazing beast. I will probably have to post again to maintain the balance. 

Anything good going on out there with anyone else?

Pretty Moderate. Mexican Salad!

Wow. So, after my last post the urge has dwindled (to binge) to more of an urge to overeat or graze but the anxiety has faded. I feel more in control and I am having a pretty moderate, sane day surrounding my food choices. I just finished preparing our Mexican Salad for dinner and I wanted to share the combo with you (I don't really consider my salad a recipe...).

Mexican Salad

Red Lettuce or Fresh Spinach

1-2 cups of sliced, raw, red cabbage (not everyone can eat two cups of this without issues the next day... may I suggest starting small with raw cabbage and working it in over time?).

1/3 cup of diced orange peppers

diced red onions (to taste, not everyone likes a huge amount- I use about 1/8 of a cup)

diced green onions (to taste- I use about 1/4 cup)

fresh chopped cilantro (the more, the better)

1/8 cup of shredded cheddar cheese

2 sliced plum tomatoes

1/2 of diced cucumbers

4 oz grilled, seasoned chicken

1/4 cup salsa mixed with TASTY DIP (see Dec 10th post for recipe- mixed with salsa it becomes more like salad dressing and less like a dip...mmmmm... so good...)

1/8 cup of crushed corn tortilla chips

Anyway. I just wanted to share an idea.

I am feeling pretty yuck today. I have had a headache all day and we are snowed in. It started snowing heavily this morning and just let up an hour ago (it is 8:20 PM)- there is more on the way too. The weather this week has kicked my ass and halted my exercise because of the reaction my asthma and allergies have had to the super- cold weather. I am usually really healthy and have not had a problem like this with my asthma in years and I was not prepared emotionally to deal with this in a moderate and balanced way. 

I am pretty sure I have gained some weight. I will find out tomorrow. With no exercise and a binge blow out and an increase in my daily calories I am looking at some consequences. I wanted to post it ahead of time so it wouldn't be a secret and I would have the courage to post tomorrow if I have gained weight. 

I did want to give myself a bit of a pat on the back. I had a comment the other day from Chews to Lose  that made me realize I need to make sure that I acknowledge that I have made amazing progress and that mistakes and challenges are just part of the process. I am thankful for that comment and it gave me a bit of perspective. During tough times it is easy to forget the great things and progress and steps already made in the right direction. 

 

Social Weekend.

The next three evenings are going to be spent socializing with friends. I have the food situation under my control on Sunday night but tonight and Monday night I am not so sure. Tonight is pizza and movie night and I ALWAYS have some issues with pizza. Whether it is the amount of pizza I eat or the temptation for extra-terrible toppings (I am a big fan of extra, extra cheese), I seem to find myself in a pickle with pizza. 

So, I guess I am trying to use my power of anticipation to think about the next three days. I am trying to think how I can do something positive all three nights...

1. Tonight I will only eat two pieces of pizza and not order four pounds of cheese extra. 

2. Sunday night I am making dinner and I will choose to make a fresh fruit salad for dessert if I make dessert at all. 

3. On Monday night, I will choose a restaurant that will have something on the menu that I can feel good about ordering and I will NOT have snacks when I go to the movie after.

I am not trying to go crazy with rules but I feel if I allow myself some freedom but stick to my boundaries, I will feel really good about my choices. I typically have issues with ordering at restaurants because I will tell myself to order whatever I want and that I will put half aside to not eat... the problem is that I usually end up eating that other half too. I would like to order something that I can eat all of if I want, without having to have the battle of putting half aside. 

I will let you know how it goes!

My Waist. Progress. Hang ups.

One of the biggest struggles I have faced with my body image is my waist/stomach. It is an area of my body that I have experienced a lot of shame and heartache over. I guess I related femininity to having a small waist from an early age. I know my parents picked at my tendency to carry more weight in my stomach pretty early on and I think it made me extra sensitive to it. It was the first place that excess fat showed up on my body (for those of you who have not read way back in my posts, I was a nationally ranked swimmer and my weight was monitored by public weigh- ins and broadcasted) and everyone was a critic including my parents and swim coaches and even other parents of swimmers. Whatever... just a history. 

As I have aged and gained weight I have gotten a little insane about my torso- to the point that my skin crawls if it is touched- even my by my husband (and yes, people think it is cute to poke at my stomach or try to tickle me or grab me around the waist). I am trying to work on it little by little with him and with aide from my shrink. 

The point of my post is that I have been a little frustrated (irrationally so) at how the inches are not dropping all off of my waist as I lose weight. The expectation that it will all come off of my waist is crazy but I don't always think rationally. I saw the inches come off of my back and breasts (*sigh) almost immediately but not my waist... until tonight. 

I think I have lost around four or five inches off my waist and I am very pleased. !!BUT!! I want to make sure I don't get upset in the future if I don't see the amount I think that I should come off in my waist measurements. I don't want to get obsessed with things that I cannot control because I don't want to work myself into a binge with negative, irrational self talk. You know the kind... Wow, I have not lost very many inches in my waist. I am doomed to have a huge gut for the rest of my life and I will always look terrible. Everyone has done it to themselves but I am trying to do it less and eventually, not at all. 

Oh, I am giving myself a pat on the back for posting a picture of my ZONE OF SHAME. I have never taken a picture of this area by itself and I have certainly never taken a picture so I could show it to others. Pat. Pat. Releasing some tension about some areas of sensitivity is a step by baby step process.